The Three Words I Wish Described Me

My last post was about the three words that I use to describe myself: Insecure, Judgmental, and Sensitive. It doesn’t paint a pretty picture, but I’m human and we tend to be messy designs. But I promised this blog would reveal what three words I wish summed me up. What do I wish others saw in me? What do I wish I saw in myself?

First and probably the most important, I wish I could describe myself as faithful. I posted my testimony on here the other day. I’ve abandoned my faith in God over and over again. Turning to self-harm and Ana as refuge. At times I was more faithful to Ana than to God. This evil that has taken over my life and tried to kill me time after time, and somehow, I trusted it to bring me the stability and peace that I needed. My biological mom was faithful. No, she didn’t go to church every Sunday. But she prayed and read her bible, and had a relationship with God that I long for. She trusted him, even when she was dying from cancer. I sat in a corner thinking He had abandoned our whole family. And my mom prayed, thanking God for all the things we had and all the friends and family surrounding us. She knew God was gonna take care of her and when she died she knew she was going to Heaven. I wish I was faithful like that.

The second word, I wish I could use to describe myself: Compassionate. The Oxford dictionary defines this word as “feeling or showing sympathy and concern for others.” I wanna be able to help carry other peoples’ loads without feeling so worn out. The bible tells us to “carry each other’s burdens.” This is something God commands us to do. I’m so burned out from my own burdens most of the time, I forget to help others carry their own. I wanna become a better listener and a dependable friend. Not just the mentally ill friend. I had a friend a few years ago; she was the most compassionate person I’d ever met. She had faced the struggles of cancer, depression, anxiety, and divorce. Her past wasn’t neat or perfect. But when I fell into her life, she loved me and took me under her wing with the most sympathy anyone could have ever given me at that time. I wanna be that for someone else. There are so many hurting people in the world and if they could just feel like they mattered for a few minutes, it could change their perspective.

The third word: Confident. I wanna feel confident in my body, in my abilities, and just in everything I do. I know that I’ll never feel confident a 100% of the time. But if I could feel confident 75% of the time; that would be nice. The most confident person, I’d ever known, is my older brother. I’m sure he has insecurities- we all do. But he knows who he is and he doesn’t let his insecurities stand in his way. He can make jokes and talk in front of people without getting hurt and withdrawn afterwards. I wish I was more like that. I wish I didn’t get hurt so easily. I wish I didn’t feel so withdrawn and scared to talk to people, including my friends.

So, now you know who I wish I was.