My Pity Party

I finally did it. This morning, I gave my mom my scissors. She's gonna hold on to them for safe-keeping. She said if it gets too rough and I need them to ask. She's being so understanding, but I don't know if I'd ever feel comfortable adking to cut. Giving up the scissors is such a huge step for me and a scary step. I'm nervous and have been freaking out the past couple of days. My mind is going a hundred miles an hour and my heart is racing. I'm also having suicidal thoughts- to the point of a plan. Don't worry; I don't intend to act. And if it gets to that point, I'll text my therapist. I tried to nap, and couldn't. I took a shower and a lavender pill to calm me down. I dunno if it's working. I just taste lavender now. I've been hiding in my room most of the afternoon.

I don't know what to do without the release of cutting. I could find something else to cut with. Or I could B/P. I purged lunch and dinner yesterday. And skipped breakfast. It was a rough day. Maybe I'm not ready for recovery. Is anyone ever really ready? If I don't get healthy, I'm gonna be depending on my mom and sister and social security for the rest of my life. I don't wanna be a burden on everyone. But do borderlines ever really get better?

There was a time when I tried to prove everyone wrong- prove that me, a borderline, could recover and have a successful life. But I feel so defeated and like I've failed to do that. I just proved them right. I'm a waste of space and energy. I'm just gonna continue going through this cycle of hospitalizations and interventions and suicide attempts. I'm nothing more than a Borderline with an ED.