Testimony

During high school, I moved far away from God and wanted nothing to do with the idea of a god of any kind or religion. Through the actions of my family and the people at church, I had been taught that Godly people were judgmental and unkind. They did not care if they hurt your feelings or tore you down, as long as they got to say what they believed and made it clear that what they believed was “right”. I didn’t really care if it was right or wrong, as long as I could tune them all out and not listen to it anymore. I did not hide the fact that I was agnostic and wanted nothing to do with God.

At this time, I was struggling with my depression and anger issues. My anger went out towards everyone, especially my biological dad, his wife, and the church. I became a bomb erupting daily at the smallest things. Then there were periods of time where I was so shut down that it felt like I was galaxies away from the rest of the world. The few times that I did pray was me crying out to just die because I could no longer withstand the pain. I prayed for God to just send me to hell, because it had to better than the pain I was feeling.

December of my senior year of high school, I got kicked out of my biological dad’s house. So, I packed my bags and moved in with a family that had been mentoring me. I’d met them through the church and they were different than most of the Christians I knew. When they prayed, it didn’t sound fake or like they were just saying what they thought they were supposed to say. They were genuine and honest with me. They tried to understand my pain, something no one else had tried to do. I felt accepted for the first time since my biological mom’s death several years earlier.

A few months later, March of 2010, I broke down and knew I couldn’t get through this alone. I needed God. I prayed for him to open my heart and fill it with his love and acceptance. The next Sunday, the church I was attending was doing baptisms- I asked if I too could be baptized. My decision to make God the center of my life was now public.

I thought with God, things would get easier, but my insecurities grew stronger and more out of control. I tried to not lose my focus off of God. But later that year and into the next couple of year, I fell into a deep depression that turned into a cycle of anger outbursts, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalizations, disordered eating, self-injury, and having nowhere to call home. I was trapped and scared and hurting. My past was haunting me and destroying me. I was beaten down and when I needed God the most, it seemed like he had abandoned me. So I turned away from him. I declared myself, once again, agnostic.

But even in the darkest hour, God was calling for me. After a few years of running from him, I started calling for God again. From time to time, I’d pray or open my bible. I started reading devotionals. I started searching for a church. I started going to Freedom that Last, a faith based recovery bible study. I began to grow a relationship with God, I did not have before. I’m not saying its easy. I get angry at God and I still have a mental illness. In fact, I recently relapsed with my mental illness, but things are different this time, I have a growing relationship with God, a wonderful support system, and a knowledgeable treatment team.