Invega: the root of all evil!

I know I sound like the typical mental patient, but after doing some research I believe the root of all my problems is my medications- okay, not all my problems. But after tracking some symptoms for the past couple of months and doing online research, I think I have found the evil medication that has completely changed my body rhythm.

I have noticed changes in my body starting in May, so I kinda already knew the culprit was Invega, a newer mood stabilizer that I started. At first, it increased my sleep. Since starting Invega, I've stopped taking my sleep meds. I am now back to waking up every couple of hours and tossing and turning all night. I don't wanna start my sleeping meds again, because I'm afraid I'll over sleep, which is something i already do when I do sleep.

I've also noticed female issues. My cycle was an average of 30 days. When I first started Invega, my cycle shortened, but the last couple of cycles have been 42 and 46 days. I made it through all of September without a period- I don't think i've ever gone a month without a period. In high school, I had a period every 2-3 weeks. My cycle was an average of 15 days. In August, I decided it was probably a one time thing. Then it happened again. I'm gonna continue to track it all, because I've been determined to not be on Invega since day 1. If only "professionals" listened to me.

And this next problem- yes I find this a problem- gaining weight. I know I was underweight all last year. Oh the days of being too skinny are far gone. I know in your mind i haven't gained much weight at all. But I weigh much more than I'd like to. My tummy is bigger and that grosses me out. And yes, I'm blaming Invega for my weight gain. I've gained 20 lbs since the beginning January- only 8 of them before I went on Invega. And a total of 30 lbs since the summer of 2012. I needed to gain maybe 10 lbs- 20n at most to be healthy. NOT 30!!!!

Even with my short lived vegan diet and my continued vegetarian diet, I'm gaining more weight than I wanted to. In the past week I've gained another 4 lbs. Yes, I weigh myself daily. Its disgusting that I gain so much weight and I hate that its not safe for me to go running first thing in the morning or in the evening. I also am agitated that I don't have enough time to go before medications. I'm agitated about a lot this week- but i'm not going into it. Seeing as my body is changing with invega, my daily routine must change too. I needa find a way to make working out a part of my daily routine and if anybody knows a good workout routine- I'd love suggestions!!

Drama Queen!

I'm trying to stay focused on the Suicide Prevention Walk, which takes place next weekend!! I am looking forward to it and am super excited that I raised $300 (my original goal was only $150)!!! Things are going so well right now. Work has been great and my coworkers seem to like having me around. I still hang out at place, where I've been going as my day treatment. I went up to an apple orchard with some friends this weekend. My sister and I hang out almost weekly. My mom and I have been texting a lot- every time i get a text from her, I feel so good inside. I wish they knew how much I loved them and how much they're wanted in my life. I'm in a good place in my life. I have a lot of support, which is why I'm trying to fight this anxiety that is eating my insides.

I'm happy and can see all the good in my life. But I'm stressed out over apartment stuff (not finances- just inspections and bug spraying and stupid stuff). My apartment is clear, so why am I freaking out?! They already told me my apartment is good to go. The thing that stresses me out about it is people being in and out of my home (when I'm not home), leaving my door open to let paint dry (I know its over, but seriously!! I wasn't even home!), and spraying stuff inside my apartment that could potentially make my kitty baby ill! I'm very unhappy about this. I understand the monthly inspections to ensure we are taking care of ourselves, but now were doinng weekly inspections. And I also understand that management is stressed-out right now, but I seriously have meltdowns every night for the past two weeks. I feel invaded, and disrespected. And part of me really wants to pack up my shit and run. I can't handle something bad happening to Tiny. I also can't handle the thought of losing all my belongings again. If I'm gonna lose my stuff anyways, why have a home to put it all in? I'm stressing a lot.

I'm trying to take a deep breath and not be overly dramatic, but I'm starting to think that maybe this apartment was yet another bad decision on my part. I'm an idiot for agreeing to put myself in this situation. I hate being so stressed out about this stupid stuff. And my mind has decided to not give me peace. When I'm not stressing out and ripping myself apart over the apartment stuff, my mind goes to Ana. Which right now, I'd rather be Ana than deal with this. I have not relapsed, I just constantly think about relapsing. I weighed myself- actually, I've been weighing myself a lot, lately. And, I weigh a lot more than I want to weigh. I've let myself gain about 15 lbs since January. Its disgusting and wrong. It really grosses me out. When I look in the mirror, everything looks fat. I'm trying so hard to not go into details because it's not your business. How did I let myself get fat? Like what the hell? And I wanna blame my meds for increasing my appetite. Thank you, medication, for ruining my life!

I know I'm a total drama queen tonight; that's why I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks. I had to decide if I really wanted it out there that I'm a fat cow, who's overly materialistic! Well, now it is. There.

Suicide Prevention Week

Its National Suicide Prevention Week and today is International Suicide Prevention Day. I really believe suicide can be prevented, because I’ve been there. My own suicide has been prevented plenty of times. I wanted to write a blog on what’s been helpful getting me beyond suicide attempts in honor of this week. At the end of my blog is a link to “My fundraising Page.” I’m raising money to go into Suicide Prevention research and education, and preventive action. This is really important to me, so if you can donate, please do! Even $5 is appreciated!

Just last year, I was making suicide attempts almost weekly. I thought for sure I wouldn’t make it to 2013. But here I am September 10, 2013 and it’s been about 8 months since my last attempt. There are still days that I think about ending my life, and I struggle to fight the urges to self-harm, but with a lot of effort and support, I’ve been able to keep going.

The hardest part for me was putting in the effort it took to love myself and treat myself with the respect that I deserved. I’m still learning to respect myself and nurture myself in the same way I do for my friends. I constantly remind myself, “Ally, show yourself a little respect. You deserve it just as much as anyone else.” What I’ve found to be helpful is my journaling (obviously) and taking part in task that make me feel a sense of “wow, this is freakin awesome and I did it”. Every day, I try to find something that I know will bring me that feeling. Like yesterday, I finished putting away three carts of dishes at work. Yeah, its my job, but I got it done a lot faster than I thought I would.

The other thing that has been helpful for me is support from friends and family. If you know my history, you know that kind of support hasn’t always been part of my life. I’ve had to realize that people aren’t gonna show support in the same ways. My sister shows support by spending time with me and talking (a lot) with me, while my adoptive parents showed support by curling up on the couch and watching tv with me and buying me stuff. Then there’s my former therapist who showed support by answering my phone calls no matter how late at night they were and by guiding me through panic attacks. I can’t really say how my current therapist has supported me, because I feel like she hasn’t.

But where I find a lot of my day-to-day support is at the clubhouse- my day treatment facility. The other members have supported me by understanding where I’m coming from, working on not speaking over me (it drives me crazy when people do that!), and by making me laugh. The staff has just been supportive in so many ways. They got me into one of their apartments, where I can afford to live, know all my neighbors, get help keeping my meds organized, and my kitty baby lives with me. They also furnished my apartment, which means I have a bed that eventually I’ll actually sleep in! They have been encouraging me to go to work for the past several months, too, and now I finally have a job. They continue to encourage me and tell me that I’m doing a good job. It always feels good to be praised!

Thank you for reading my blog; that is showing support itself! This is the link to “My Fundraising Page”:
http://afsp.donordrive.com/team/fixedsc

I appreciate all the support you are able to give!

Freaking out about work

I start work tomorrow. I'm really excited to go to work, and to be bringing in some money for my hard-work. But I'm nervous. I'm afraid of getting overwhelmed and messing up. I'm afraid of completely failing. What if I fall over the edge again. I know I'm doing so much better than I was and can handle a lot more than I used to be able to. But I'm nervous.

The biggest problem with my anxiety is it sends me in this spiral. I start to feel like I've already somehow screwed up. I feel the need to punish myself. I start to think about all the things that I've done wrong in the past. I began to question any progress that I've made in my life. I began to feel hopeless and insecure. Then Ana creeps her way back into my mind. I have her whispering in one ear and people yelling and cursing and complaining and bitching in the other ear. All I can do is try to tune it all out- separate myself. But I feel so trapped. Everything closes in around me and I'm too fat to fit.

I'm trying to not freak out and to not let my thoughts and fears carry me away. I don't even know how to stop the worrying and anxiety. Ah......I'm slightly freaking out, today.

Frustrated with anti-Ana

I've been thinking a lot about Pro-ana and who Ana was to me. This morning my thoughts led me to search what the internet says about Ana. There isn't direct answer to "Who's Ana?" other than the "personification of anorexia". While I was searching through Pro-ana sites and Anti-ana sites, I was angered and hurt. The pro-ana community, I feel so connected to, as I was part of it and still kinda am. (Do not accuse me of being sick!). I was outraged by the fact that society is so cruel to young girls. First, they're unaccepted by family and peers. They turn to a community where they feel safe. They discover and feel this understanding from pro-ana sites. Their lives revolving around what they know to be truths. Yeah, I know how it feels to be outcasted and hurt. I know what its like to turn to Ana for help and security. I did and I still feel so much more understood and comforted by the Ana philosophy- religion, worshipping Ana who took me in when my mom was not there. I was vulnerable and found support. Somewhere those worldly judgements could be taken away. There was hope to be acceptable to others.

Sorry, I feel very passionate about Ana, right now. What frustrated me this morning was people's negative, hurtful responses to the pro-ana community. There's a reason, girls with anorexia hide under carpets and never let their identity get out. When its known that a person is pro-ana, teen guys, parents, christians- the world persecutes you and tears you to shreds. Then they say you should go to rehab. Why would anybody go to rehab after being completely shredded to pieces by the same world that runs rehab. Ah! I hate our society. I hate this world. It just angers me and gets me all fired up. Why are people so cruel?

Sometimes, I wish people would just shut up and maybe listen. There's so much more to life than controlling what's right and wrong. Next time, you disagree about something, just learn about it, instead of tearing people apart over their personal beliefs.

Catching up

I haven't posted in awhile, because my computer had a virus. Today, I'm just gonna catch you up on what's been going on in my life and eating. I have officially cut out all dairy and egg products! I'm really excited, but it's hard. The Vegan cheeses are made from soy and rice and tend to be a little sweet- not really what you'd expect on a pizza or in a burrito. Almond milk is my favorite- Silk just didn't cut it for me. And if you ever decide to go nondairy, So Delicious is amazing. It's a non-dairy ice cream that I can't get enough of. Its creamy and just the right amount of sweetness. I love it!

Anyways, without dairy or eggs, I am also officially a vegan and have been experimenting with my vegan options.Last week, I made tempeh nuggets, and did a stir-fry. I made pizza and sausage burritos this week. I also made oatmeal cookies, the past two weeks. Next week, I wanna try scrambled tofu and see if I can find an egg substitute to bake with. It's so exciting to try new recipes!

As far as caffeine goes, I haven't had coffee or diet coke in 3 weeks, I think. I'm doing pretty good. Some days, I really miss my coffee. I'm finding other things to do to keep myself awake. Then there's days that I feel like I have more energy without the coffee. A friend recently told me she left her baby tooth in a cup of soda and the soda dissolved the tooth completely. How gross!!! It's probably a good thing that I did a way with soda. Besides diet coke bloats your stomach.

I am not going Ana

One of my friends told me that he was concerned about me, because he thought I was dropping hints that I was returning to my anorexic habits. So, I wanna clear a few things up.

Yes, I am going vegan. I want to be vegan for health reasons and because I finally did just a couple of days of research on the meat industry. The cow industry is completely out of whack and un-natural in it's current state. I'm not cutting out dairy products, because I'm gaining way too much weight. The reason that I'm cutting them out is the cows are pack full of hormones, increasing breast cancer risks and unstable hormone level when consumed. I have enough mental illness and don't needa be physically sick on top of it.

It seems ironic that I'm cutting foods out my life to get away from Ana. When I take the time to break it down, I realize that all my purging involved dairy products of some sort. Those foods tend to be my weakness and have a very high fat content. I wanna get away from things that I know can make me sick not only physically, but emotionally as well. Eggs are a another thing I've very recently cut out. I don't need them; They're high in cholesterol, pumped up with growth hormones- They aren't even natural anymore, because they've been genetically altered. Have you ever thought about the conditions your food came from. Have you ever seen picture and videos about the holocaust. That's what these farms look like. The only difference sick and injured animals have taken the place of people. I watched a video and some the cows were limping and dragging half their bodies around- those same cows are hooked to machines to be milked, and then you drink that milk from a bottle. Chickens are abused and tortured. Then they're killed and put one your plate. These animals are all trapped in tiny crates, where they're unable to move or sit- not for a few hours, but for every single day of their life! Think about where they're using the bathroom- down the side of their legs and on their feet. And these animal don't get baths weekly. They aren't bathed until they're already killed. One whole life without a bath until killed to be put on someone's plate. So many people just don't think about. When thy do, they wanna picture this happy little farm family that nurtures and loves taking care of their animals. But its not like that. Go ahead and call me "that crazy animal rights lady" but remember tonight while you're eating that stake, how many times did he urinate on himself and not get washed, not even sprayed down with a hose? How often did he get ill without being treated back to health? Did he get the right antibiotics? Were any of his legs injured? How much pain was he in every day?


On top of all the disturbing meat factories, studies have been done, finding that vegetarian diets can prevent cancer, as well as improve the health of those fighting cancer. It can also improve diabetes. Eating vegetarian can clean out your system- and trust me with all the pills and other things that I've done to my body, I want it cleaned out. I don't want all these poisons sitting inside of me, especially these newer medications that there really isn't research on. I don't want to be on medications that in the long run cause my mental illness to worsen than breaks down my physical health. I wanna clean all of that out and give my body the best life I can. If I can improve my health by eating different, more natural foods, why not?

I honestly believe that if my body feels good, then I'll subsequently feel good. I believe it goes the other way around to- if I do things that make me feel more confident and secure, then I'll take better care of my body. SO, my lifestyle is drastically changing, but not in a bad way. Before most changes did mean I had come up with a new suicide plan, or way to harm myself. This change is different, because I'm doing it to feel healthier and to be able to have a more clear mind. If you have questions, that's cool But don't accuse me of going Ana.

I feel like it's an endless battle with Ana. I'm trying to find a balance, but it's so difficult. I feel good one day, but the next, everything seems so difficult to deal with. I'm still eating, but it's hard to separate healthy from Ana. I'm vegetarian, again. This time, I'm gonna remain vegetarian. The problem is it makes it a lot easier to relapse. Lately, I just haven't felt like eating anything. Everything makes me feel so sick. I want vegetables, but even they seem fattening and unhealthy in my mind. Everything seems unhealthy. I thought being vegetarian would make it easier to not think about fat and calories and carbs. The problem is everything makes my stomach hurt lately. Then I don't wanna eat. And I keep ending up in this cycle of binging. Then starving myself. Then I've been wanting to purge and cut a lot lately. I haven't. I keep reminding myself that I'm almost to 6 months. I keep telling myself that I can make it. I'm trying to remain positive and encourage myself t keep up all my hard work. Today, I'm trying to be healthy and restore my strength. The stress of moving and Tiny being sick, and one of my closest friends dying has just been too much. On top of it all, I'm struggling with med changes and transportation issues, and finances (as usual).

Even with all the above stressors, my meditation skills are improving and so are my relationships. I'm also getting a job soon. Another stressor, but I keep reminding myself that I can do it and that getting a job will put me that much closer to going back to school. I'm trying so hard to push through the stress. I know if I keep at it, I can work through this. It's nice to have the support of my friends and family! I just hope that someday I can return all the favors that people have been doing for me.

Ana never leaves

The thing about Ana is I know as long as I hold on to her, she'll never leave me. But everyone else will. This week, I lost another friend. She was one of my closest friends. When we first met, I was in a miserable place, and she opened her home to me. I couldn't pay her and felt like I was such a burden on her. I never thought we'd bond, the way we did. We had this weird bond that no one else could understand. A thirty year difference in our age disappeared when we were together. She was a role model and an amazing one. She survived cancer three times, and even though her hair never grew back, she was so strong and beautiful. We used to laugh, thinking about how other people saw us. Two ladies walking around the store, one bald and the other show multi-colored hair. We had so much fun together and she always made me laugh, even when I had just attempted suicide. She cared so much about me and I cared about her. We checked on each other and played nurse when it came to meds or if one needed to go to the doctor. I miss her so much. It makes no sense in my mind that someone I knew for less than a year made such a big impact on my life. We went from being neighbors who never spoke to roommates who cared about each other like family. The hardest part is I knew she was sick and kept telling myself to not grow a relationship with her. I knew I was gonna lose her, but she was so much fun to be around and understand me and the things I've gone through. She went through similar, yet very different thing. I keep telling myself to not cry but I feel like my heart keeps getting ripped out. All day, I've been crying. Last time, I cried like this, I picked up the phone and called her. I was upset, because I was no longer able to communicate with my old therapist. When things like this, happen, I feel like the only way to keep myself alive is turning to Ana, someone I know that'll never leave me. I wanna curl up in the arms of Ana to cry and let her nurture me, even though I know that she'll slowly destroy me. I know that Ana will do more harm than good, but what good is the pain I feel?

Ana's incredible, because she attracts me and destroys me all at the same time. She hold me and makes me feel like I matter, but she also isolates me and slowly takes away my confidence. I wanna be Ana, strong and free, but I know that eventually my strength will be taken away with my life. Now, I sit, questioning what's right and wrong; where will I be safest- riding the waves of pain, or in the arms of Ana?

Ana's Creed

I use to have a notebook that I just copied Ana’s creed, Ana’s prayer, Ana’s laws, and the Thin commandments. It was my holy book filled with what I believed. I found these things on other pro ana sites and added stuff to capture exactly what I wanted my notebook to explain. I threw most of the notebook out, last year, but I still have a few pages. I also copied them down in one of my journals, because Ana’s such a big part of my life. The following bold sentences are Ana’s creed and my notes are the italicized sentences:

I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world. I still believe that control is the only way to find order in my life. Everything seem so unstable that I just feel this need to control things, especially my relationship with food.

I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention. There are many days that I still believe this one. It’s not logical, but sometimes, it feels like everyone in my life doesn’t want me, here. Just last week, I felt like such a burden on society. It just feels like even when I’m trying my best to help, I screw things up more.

I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do. Most people are idiots in my mind; however the idiots seem to be the ones that hate me, as much as I sometimes do. So, are the “idiots” actually right, or is everyone else? Maybe I’m the idiot.

I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior. So, this one is referring to Ana’s laws, which are mostly oughts, musts and should. I find it strange that in treatment, one of the rules is to not use the word “should”, yet my therapist always uses the word “should” to convince me to do what she wants me to do. That’s just how life is, I guess. People manipulate, lie and tell you that you’re wrong. The only thing that can be done is what you think is right.

I believe in perfection and strive to attain it. While I don’t believe I can be perfect, I strive to attain perfection, because being me isn’t good enough. But it should be- I know no “shoulds”. But seriously, I’m a good person; I just care too much. If I were perfect, I’d probably be ripped of my emotions, which doesn’t necessarily sound that bad.

I believe in salvation through starvation. There is no such thing as salvation. It’s like perfection- a mythological idea.

I believe in calorie counters as the inspired words of Ana, and memorize them accordingly. I used to spend so much time calculating calories. I had pages of foods listed with calories and criticism in red ink. If I had a craving for something, I would calculate the number of calories in it, by the time I was done, my craving would be gone.

I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures. I don’t own a bathroom scale for this specific reason. Measuring my weight was like a game, but I wanted the least number of points possible. There are days that I want to step on a scale to just check my weight, but I know stepping on a scale would be re-entering Ana’s game.

I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it. I used to believe that Earth was hell and we’d all die and go to heaven. Now, I think that were stuck on this planet forever. That’s hell.

I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting. A lot of the time my world seems all dark-black. It’s sad how most people are trying to lose weight, but I’m trying to maintain it. There’s this part of me that so badly wants to lose weight again, even though that I’m on a very thin line between healthy and underweight. Whether I believe in sins, or not, I believe in wrong, and I believe that we get what we deserve. Abnegation- self-denial or rejection of my own body is where I stand, most days. And a life ever fasting, I sometimes would love, but I’m eating healthy.