I am not going Ana

One of my friends told me that he was concerned about me, because he thought I was dropping hints that I was returning to my anorexic habits. So, I wanna clear a few things up.

Yes, I am going vegan. I want to be vegan for health reasons and because I finally did just a couple of days of research on the meat industry. The cow industry is completely out of whack and un-natural in it's current state. I'm not cutting out dairy products, because I'm gaining way too much weight. The reason that I'm cutting them out is the cows are pack full of hormones, increasing breast cancer risks and unstable hormone level when consumed. I have enough mental illness and don't needa be physically sick on top of it.

It seems ironic that I'm cutting foods out my life to get away from Ana. When I take the time to break it down, I realize that all my purging involved dairy products of some sort. Those foods tend to be my weakness and have a very high fat content. I wanna get away from things that I know can make me sick not only physically, but emotionally as well. Eggs are a another thing I've very recently cut out. I don't need them; They're high in cholesterol, pumped up with growth hormones- They aren't even natural anymore, because they've been genetically altered. Have you ever thought about the conditions your food came from. Have you ever seen picture and videos about the holocaust. That's what these farms look like. The only difference sick and injured animals have taken the place of people. I watched a video and some the cows were limping and dragging half their bodies around- those same cows are hooked to machines to be milked, and then you drink that milk from a bottle. Chickens are abused and tortured. Then they're killed and put one your plate. These animals are all trapped in tiny crates, where they're unable to move or sit- not for a few hours, but for every single day of their life! Think about where they're using the bathroom- down the side of their legs and on their feet. And these animal don't get baths weekly. They aren't bathed until they're already killed. One whole life without a bath until killed to be put on someone's plate. So many people just don't think about. When thy do, they wanna picture this happy little farm family that nurtures and loves taking care of their animals. But its not like that. Go ahead and call me "that crazy animal rights lady" but remember tonight while you're eating that stake, how many times did he urinate on himself and not get washed, not even sprayed down with a hose? How often did he get ill without being treated back to health? Did he get the right antibiotics? Were any of his legs injured? How much pain was he in every day?


On top of all the disturbing meat factories, studies have been done, finding that vegetarian diets can prevent cancer, as well as improve the health of those fighting cancer. It can also improve diabetes. Eating vegetarian can clean out your system- and trust me with all the pills and other things that I've done to my body, I want it cleaned out. I don't want all these poisons sitting inside of me, especially these newer medications that there really isn't research on. I don't want to be on medications that in the long run cause my mental illness to worsen than breaks down my physical health. I wanna clean all of that out and give my body the best life I can. If I can improve my health by eating different, more natural foods, why not?

I honestly believe that if my body feels good, then I'll subsequently feel good. I believe it goes the other way around to- if I do things that make me feel more confident and secure, then I'll take better care of my body. SO, my lifestyle is drastically changing, but not in a bad way. Before most changes did mean I had come up with a new suicide plan, or way to harm myself. This change is different, because I'm doing it to feel healthier and to be able to have a more clear mind. If you have questions, that's cool But don't accuse me of going Ana.

I feel like it's an endless battle with Ana. I'm trying to find a balance, but it's so difficult. I feel good one day, but the next, everything seems so difficult to deal with. I'm still eating, but it's hard to separate healthy from Ana. I'm vegetarian, again. This time, I'm gonna remain vegetarian. The problem is it makes it a lot easier to relapse. Lately, I just haven't felt like eating anything. Everything makes me feel so sick. I want vegetables, but even they seem fattening and unhealthy in my mind. Everything seems unhealthy. I thought being vegetarian would make it easier to not think about fat and calories and carbs. The problem is everything makes my stomach hurt lately. Then I don't wanna eat. And I keep ending up in this cycle of binging. Then starving myself. Then I've been wanting to purge and cut a lot lately. I haven't. I keep reminding myself that I'm almost to 6 months. I keep telling myself that I can make it. I'm trying to remain positive and encourage myself t keep up all my hard work. Today, I'm trying to be healthy and restore my strength. The stress of moving and Tiny being sick, and one of my closest friends dying has just been too much. On top of it all, I'm struggling with med changes and transportation issues, and finances (as usual).

Even with all the above stressors, my meditation skills are improving and so are my relationships. I'm also getting a job soon. Another stressor, but I keep reminding myself that I can do it and that getting a job will put me that much closer to going back to school. I'm trying so hard to push through the stress. I know if I keep at it, I can work through this. It's nice to have the support of my friends and family! I just hope that someday I can return all the favors that people have been doing for me.

Ana never leaves

The thing about Ana is I know as long as I hold on to her, she'll never leave me. But everyone else will. This week, I lost another friend. She was one of my closest friends. When we first met, I was in a miserable place, and she opened her home to me. I couldn't pay her and felt like I was such a burden on her. I never thought we'd bond, the way we did. We had this weird bond that no one else could understand. A thirty year difference in our age disappeared when we were together. She was a role model and an amazing one. She survived cancer three times, and even though her hair never grew back, she was so strong and beautiful. We used to laugh, thinking about how other people saw us. Two ladies walking around the store, one bald and the other show multi-colored hair. We had so much fun together and she always made me laugh, even when I had just attempted suicide. She cared so much about me and I cared about her. We checked on each other and played nurse when it came to meds or if one needed to go to the doctor. I miss her so much. It makes no sense in my mind that someone I knew for less than a year made such a big impact on my life. We went from being neighbors who never spoke to roommates who cared about each other like family. The hardest part is I knew she was sick and kept telling myself to not grow a relationship with her. I knew I was gonna lose her, but she was so much fun to be around and understand me and the things I've gone through. She went through similar, yet very different thing. I keep telling myself to not cry but I feel like my heart keeps getting ripped out. All day, I've been crying. Last time, I cried like this, I picked up the phone and called her. I was upset, because I was no longer able to communicate with my old therapist. When things like this, happen, I feel like the only way to keep myself alive is turning to Ana, someone I know that'll never leave me. I wanna curl up in the arms of Ana to cry and let her nurture me, even though I know that she'll slowly destroy me. I know that Ana will do more harm than good, but what good is the pain I feel?

Ana's incredible, because she attracts me and destroys me all at the same time. She hold me and makes me feel like I matter, but she also isolates me and slowly takes away my confidence. I wanna be Ana, strong and free, but I know that eventually my strength will be taken away with my life. Now, I sit, questioning what's right and wrong; where will I be safest- riding the waves of pain, or in the arms of Ana?

Ana's Creed

I use to have a notebook that I just copied Ana’s creed, Ana’s prayer, Ana’s laws, and the Thin commandments. It was my holy book filled with what I believed. I found these things on other pro ana sites and added stuff to capture exactly what I wanted my notebook to explain. I threw most of the notebook out, last year, but I still have a few pages. I also copied them down in one of my journals, because Ana’s such a big part of my life. The following bold sentences are Ana’s creed and my notes are the italicized sentences:

I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world. I still believe that control is the only way to find order in my life. Everything seem so unstable that I just feel this need to control things, especially my relationship with food.

I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention. There are many days that I still believe this one. It’s not logical, but sometimes, it feels like everyone in my life doesn’t want me, here. Just last week, I felt like such a burden on society. It just feels like even when I’m trying my best to help, I screw things up more.

I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do. Most people are idiots in my mind; however the idiots seem to be the ones that hate me, as much as I sometimes do. So, are the “idiots” actually right, or is everyone else? Maybe I’m the idiot.

I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior. So, this one is referring to Ana’s laws, which are mostly oughts, musts and should. I find it strange that in treatment, one of the rules is to not use the word “should”, yet my therapist always uses the word “should” to convince me to do what she wants me to do. That’s just how life is, I guess. People manipulate, lie and tell you that you’re wrong. The only thing that can be done is what you think is right.

I believe in perfection and strive to attain it. While I don’t believe I can be perfect, I strive to attain perfection, because being me isn’t good enough. But it should be- I know no “shoulds”. But seriously, I’m a good person; I just care too much. If I were perfect, I’d probably be ripped of my emotions, which doesn’t necessarily sound that bad.

I believe in salvation through starvation. There is no such thing as salvation. It’s like perfection- a mythological idea.

I believe in calorie counters as the inspired words of Ana, and memorize them accordingly. I used to spend so much time calculating calories. I had pages of foods listed with calories and criticism in red ink. If I had a craving for something, I would calculate the number of calories in it, by the time I was done, my craving would be gone.

I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures. I don’t own a bathroom scale for this specific reason. Measuring my weight was like a game, but I wanted the least number of points possible. There are days that I want to step on a scale to just check my weight, but I know stepping on a scale would be re-entering Ana’s game.

I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it. I used to believe that Earth was hell and we’d all die and go to heaven. Now, I think that were stuck on this planet forever. That’s hell.

I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting. A lot of the time my world seems all dark-black. It’s sad how most people are trying to lose weight, but I’m trying to maintain it. There’s this part of me that so badly wants to lose weight again, even though that I’m on a very thin line between healthy and underweight. Whether I believe in sins, or not, I believe in wrong, and I believe that we get what we deserve. Abnegation- self-denial or rejection of my own body is where I stand, most days. And a life ever fasting, I sometimes would love, but I’m eating healthy.

21 and starting to live out a future!

I'm confused and amazed all at once that I am 21, today. Confused, because I didn't think I'd make it to 21, let alone 20. One year ago, I would have died, early this morning, if it weren't for two of my very best friends and the best therapist that I've ever gotten to work with! They knew that I was planning an intricate suicide. Rachel kept me distracted and entertained with a birthday cake that my cat wanted to eat on the 29th. On the 30th, I spent the day with Andi, and she took me to get ice cream, and to go to therapy. Therapy on your birthday doesn't sound like a good idea, but I think it was last year. It kept me alive!

This year, I had no plan to end my life, yesterday or today. In fact, this year, I've been focusing on eating healthier (and actually eating!), finding a job, and I've even been thinking about writing books and going back to school. When I dropped out, I thought that was the end of my education, but I'm gonna return to school in the next couple of years, and am hoping to publish my first book in the next year or two. I can't believe I dreams and hopes. I mean I guess at some point in my life I had dreams of what I wanted to do when I grew up. Now, I'm grown up and actually planning and organizing to achieve things. It's just cool. I just realized this blog is a lot shorter than what I originally wrote, but I'm gonna use what I wrote before, later.

This is what's next!

So, here's the deal. I've relapsed. There's no quesion about it. I started to restrict. I've been having the uges and thoughts to self-harm. I even have moments that I start to plan my own death.

But that does not mean recovery is over! I can do this. I'mm gonna need encouragement and reminders, but I know what I want. I want to be successful as a DBT therapist. I wanna help others that are struggling with the same issues. I wanna teach people that BPD doesn't make a person hopeless. It's treatable; I know it is. With DBT, a support system, the right meds, I can recover, just like anyone else with a menal illness. And just like people with other mental illness, I'm gonna relapse. I'm gonna fall and struggle, but I'm also gonna grow stronger and fight for myself and show others that BPD is not a curse. It doesn't doom you for life. In fact, I think my struggles with BPD and anorexia and cutting- and everything has given me purpose and a dream.

So, here's what is next: I'm gonna eat. There's gonna be days here I restrict. I'm gonna feel alone and hopeless at times. Butt then, I'll feel confident and see hope for my future. I'm gonna visit my family and friends in June. And while I enjoy myself, I'm gonna be mindful that this is a new moment and I have control over this moment. And when I feel triggered and scared, I'm gonna remind myself to be mindful and that I only have control over what's in this moment. Then, when I get back home, I'm gonna get my finances in order, and get ready to return to school. When I return to school, I'm gonna kick ass and study hard. And when I start to struggle, I'm gonna lean on my support system while being mindful of boundaries. WHen I'm doing great, I'm gonna be others' support while being assertive about my own boundaries. I'm gonna be awesome, because I am more than a mental illness and am fighting it!

So, yes, I fell and will probably fall a hundred more times, but I'm getting up and coming back with more confidence and strength every time!

What it feels like to relapse...

Relapse sucks! Recovery sucks! Everything just sucks. Relapsing means convincing yourself that all the work that you've done doesn't matter at all. For me, that's 4 months of nonstop work on recovery. Sticky notes, reminding me to take my meds don't is just a waste of paper. Worksheets and diagrams, and even my journals a waste. The weight-the pounds of fat that only I seem to be able to see. The disgusting image I have of myself was all meaningless. I could have continued working towards what I find beautiful. I could have kept up with my bills, wasted less money on sugar and fat. It was all to be healthy, functional. Health is down the drain. I restrict and restrict. I eat as little as possible. When I eat and I actually enjoy the flavor of the food, I tell myself that I must go purge. I haven't. I still have this part of me fighting to get back up. Fighting to remain in recovery. But the thing about relapse is: no matter how small or big the relapse, it seems like recovery was never there. Its like an addiction. Once, you have that drug, you've lost touch with a recovery goal. All that's left is you and that drug. My drug is Ana. And I wanna be Ana, but I also wanna be free. Logically, I know they can't coexist. But Ana will always be there, which means I'll never really be free. I wanna take Ana out of the equation. I wanna take cutting and suicide and fucking BPD out of the equation, but subtracting them scares me, because it leaves an imaginary number- and i hate those imaginary numbers, because they still make no sense to me!

So where do I go from here? I have no idea. I wanna hold it together. My progress with recovery has made it possible for my adoptive parents to forgive me and let me visit them and my new baby brother in June. My progress has shown people that I'm not just a liability problem. I've been able to communicate effectively with my sister. It's like I wanna make it through June before completely falling apart. The question is: Why can't I just get back to progressing in recovery? Its so complicated. I'm still doing worksheets and really thinking things through. Its like I'm working on all the interpersonal effectiveness skills and doing so well, but so not well at the same time. Like I'm asking for simple thing. I'm being assertive about day-to-day tasks, but I avoid conversations about me or my relapse. I don't feel comfortable talking about it. Writing about about it, I can do all day. My mindfulness and emotion regulation skills are slipping. I got distress tolerance down! Especially, the skill of distracting myself. Whenever I'm starting to think about food, I just dive into an activity, or worksheets, or books- anything to just take myself away from calories.

I guess I'm suppose to just keep going. I should review my goals. I have so many goals that I really wanna achieve and I know I can if I had the strength and confidence to. Its so hard because I get trapped in the thoughts and urges...I'm really not sure what to do. I'm done typing.

Relapse in honor of the MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS

I'm feeling quite conflicted about my recovery, today. My mind just keeps repeating, "If you can't do it right, then don't do it at all." This week, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. It's so hard for me to understand, because last week, I felt hopeful and strong. Now, I just feel like the stregth has been ripped out of me.

I just want everyone to know that I don't want to be the way I am, right now. I wanna be strong and confident and able to hold myself together. I wanna be independent and successful. It's hard to be that way when it feels like others continually put you down. I'm tired of being sorry for being intelligent and for doing what I feel is best for me. Sometimes,, I wish so badly I didn't know anything. I more than often, think about how if I stopped eating, started drinking and doing drug, or just banged my head on the wall, I might kill my brain cells. Maybe I'd kill the ones that regulate emotions and will be numb and able to focus on knowledge, and go back to school. Or maybe the ones that control my intelligence will shrivel and die. Then I'll finally be hopeless and worthless, the way mental health professionals see me.

I've also thought about maybe if I took my life, leaving behind journals, someone will finally listen to me. I dunno why its so hard to listen to me. I'm just as important as anyone else and deserve the same respect! Today, I was cooking with a deaf guy and realized that he was able to understand me better than people who can hear.

It's interesting that in all these mental health videos and articles, they talk about how important support systems are for recovery, but I'm expected to go through recovery all on my own. Actually, I'm expected to not recover because I have borderline personality disorder. Well, just to let all of you know, it is a MENTAL ILLNESS, and through research, they are finding a genetic connection to the ILLNESS. It may be harder to treat than fucking bipolar or schizophrenia, but IT CAN BE TREATED!!!!!!! If mental health PROFESSIONALS would get their heads out of their asses and actually listen to their clients/patients/members-whatever the fuck you wanna call them, people like me would recover. Its so frustrating how I get no support from my TREATMENT TEAM- YES, TREATMENT, BECAUSE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER IS AN ILLNESS IN YOUR STUPID DIAGNOSTIC BOOK. I may not be perfect, or even good enough, but I've been trying my best to not completely relapse. So from now on, fuck off if you're against me recovering. Or you might as well, buy me the pills! I'm done with this bullshit. I have put all my effort forth and am getting to my breaking point.

As far as, Ana goes- I'm done! I can't do it. I've been trying so hard. I just feel so much pressure and need to be in control of something. So yes, starting now, I will be counting every calorie, every gram of fat, and every gram of sugar that I put into my body. And when I get down to 80, fuck all of you!

Why I struggle so much with eating

It's hard to wanna eat when obesity is the main focus in the world of health. Logically, with my genetics, I'll probably never be overweight, but I still worry about it. The obcession with not wanting to overweight is not the only reason that I struggle so much with my eating. And even the self-destuction part of it isn't what's causing my struggle. I just don't like to eat. I'm scared to eat anything with fat. I hate calories. Raw meat grosses me out and I don't wanna touch it, so I don't like cooking it- I've decided to go vegetarian again. Something in my mind says I must be under 100 lbs. Then, there's just the habit of skipping meals. I don't get hungry like I should. When I do crave food, it's sugar. Sweets. Fattening, sugary, high-calorie sweets. Carbs. Fat. By the time, I see it, or have eaten it, I feel so sick to my stomach. I want to be healthy, but I don't want to eat. It's like a constant battle in my head.

People try to get me to eat. I always have granola in my bag and I try to drink an ensure every day. But it's been the same granola for a week, like I haven't refilled my container, because I eat each grain and nut, individually, and never actually finish my one cup container. I'm not counting calories again, and I'm trying really hard not to. Instead, I just move my food around on a plate, and then I put half of it away. I eat half of what's left and throw out the rest. It's wasting so much food, but I know I won't eat it. I'm actually starting to make smaller portions, and trying to put away 3/4 of the plate and then eating the rest. I know it's not actually any healthier, but at least I'm not wasting as much money. If anyone has any new ideas to help me get back on track with recovery, please share them with me!!! I do want to be healthy, and I really don't wanna fall into another depression episode.

Pride

Pride is often looked at as a bad thing. Its taught that it's wrong to be proud of ourselves. But I think just like anything else, pride is sometimes a good thing. If you worked hard and got great results, you deserve to be proud. I think we should be allowed to celebrate goals being accomplished, small and big. While pride shouldn't consume us- I don't think any emotion should-, being proud of covering new ground in research, in work, in treatment, is part of building a healthy self-esteem.

I can honestly (and proudly) say that I am proud of myself. My pride comes from the progress, I have made these past couple of months. Its actually noticeable to me that my way of thinking, and behaving, is slowly changing. I have more control over my emotions and I have the strength to fight urges to self-harm. While I slipped up with my eating, last week, I am really trying to get back on track- In the past, I would have given up, stopped eating, stopped taking my meds, stopped sleeping...I would have let things spiral so far out of control that I'd be committed or kill myself. But this time, I'm able to catch things early and stop symptoms from escalating.

So, yes! I am proud. And yes, I will celebrate what seems small to other people, because for me, this is a big accomplishment!