I got a call from the DBT therapist, yesterday, and have an intake appointment in a week. I'm so anxious; I've been filling out the paperwork that I need to bring with me and I feel so nervous answering the questions. I'm nervous. What if they decide I need to be hospitalized? I don't think I do, but I'm always afraid therapists and doctors will just hospitalize me. They may recommend IOP (Intensive Out-patient) treatment. But hopefully it'll just be the group once a week and individual once a week. Should I tell her how often I'm cutting? It's not daily, but it's pretty close to every day. I haven't given my mom my meds.. I'm not purging much. I purged breakfast this morning- it felt great. I know it shouldn't and I shouldn't be lying to my parents. I feel so much guilt, yet I continue to be self-destructive. I really hope DBT helps.
My mom has also been talking about me doing school here in Texas. I don't know how that'll work out. I looked at the Vet tech program here and it's designed a little different than the one back home. I dunno what credits would transfer and what ones wouldn't. I don't even know if I'd get into the vet tech program here. There's so much to think about. I wanna go back to SC to finish my degree. I feel like if I switch my credits, here, I'd be making at least a two year commitment to being in Texas.
The other thing that's been causing me anxiety is my goals to live alone again. I mean I was planning on living with my brother before I got out of control. But am I ever gonna be trusted to live on my own again? Will my family ever let that happen? I wanna live independently and function and be responsible for myself and Tiny. How do I prove to everyone I can do that? I know I'm thinking too far in the future. I just have so much anxiety about everything.
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