March 2013

This is a list of "Cheerleading Statements" that I wrote to encourage me and help me continue to be effective in my interactions with others:

1) Up to this point I have done my very best to get by.

2) I can learn from the mistakes that I have made.

3) I am learning to be assertive about my needs.

4) It is my responsibility to get my needs met.

5) Organization is one of my strengths that will help me to succeed.

6) If I don’t get my objectives met, it doesn’t mean I didn’t go about it in a skillful way.

7) I have the right to assert myself, even though I may inconvenience others.

8) I have the capacity to rebound from rejection.

9) I am choosing to thrive, in spite of the wrongs that I have suffered.

10)Choosing to drop my anger is not the same as condoning wrong.

11)I accept others’ freedom to live in unhealthy ways.

12)Others cannot force me to remain angry.

13)I can make better choices when anger arises.

14)I have the right to set boundaries.

15)It’s okay to have a bad day

16)I am just as important as everyone else in the world

17)My imperfections give me a unique personality

18)I try to be friendly

19)I enjoy helping others.

February 2013

This is a list of emotions I was feeling on February 20th and I titled it “Emotional Chaos”:

Analytical- I just feel like I need to analyze and pick apart everything that has happened

Nervous/Anxious- How are things gonna turn out next week? What if I fuck things up? What if I don’t fit in? What if I can’t do this? I dunno how their schedule works- what if I spiral into relapse? (this is in reference to starting Gateway)

Chaotic- Not on the outside. I’m holding it together so well, but my mind is craving the chaos and uncertainty of the Death Game.

Fearful- I’m affraid- so afraid that I apparently can’t spell. I don’t wanna make things worse- or fail. What if Ana’s all I am?

Guilty- I don’t deserve to be okay. I hurt so many people. I ruined my life. I’m supposed to be punishing myself- I feel guilty for wanting to screw up my progress. I feel guilty for having urges to cut and overdose, and I wanna kill myself. The thoughts and urges. The images. The triggers. None of its going away.

Reclusive- Not sure if I’m using this word right, but I wana just hide away by myself. And sulk in my pain.

Pitiful/helpless- (An arrow points to the last sentence after reclusive)

Conflicted, or Confused- I’m not sure. Maybe both. I just dunno what I want anymore.

Insecure- I’m just not sure I’m good enough. Ana says I’m worthless. Bitch says I can do this. Bitch says I’m strong, but I’m not. (Ana is my illness. Bitch is this other voice that kinda keeps me out of trouble)

Jealous/Envious- I dunno the difference. But I’m jealous of a girl that my friend is into. I know she’s not into him, but I still want his attention, which I’m not getting any of.

Lonely- But reclusive- I wanna be with someone, but I feel like I’m not good enough for anyone- so I wanna try to hide.

Mistrusting/Untrusting- I dunno. I’m just afraid that if I make one mistake, recovery will be destroyed

Self-Defeating- Self-Condemning, Self-Hatred- I’m sabotaging everything, because I’m afraid. I can’t lose anyone if nobody’s there. No one else can hurt me, if I hurt me first.

January 2013

I know I started with November and December of last year. I just thought those were a good way to describe my frame of mind and what led up to my hospitalization in January 2013. Of course, in 2012, I spent like every other week in a psychiatric hospital. However, this last hospitalization is really where my recovery began. On the second day of this last hospitalization, I wrote this:

People used to describe me as independent. I’ve never been independent- just too afraid to ask for anything. Asking for materialistic things means you’re not appreciative. Asking for someone to do something for you means you’re incapable or weak. And God forbid you don’t know how to do everything yourself. I’m just as dependent (if not more) as everyone else. I just don’t like people thinking I’m needy or weak. I don’t like myself thinking that.

December 2012

This is a poem by Emily Dickenson. I wrote it down in my journal on December 30th of last year and it’s all I wrote that day.


I’m nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody too?
Then there’s a pair of us-don’t tell!
They’d banish- you know?

How dreary to be somebody?
How public like frog
To tell one’s name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

Reflecting on the past year

One of my favorite things about December is reflecting on the past year and trying to understand why I feel like total shit. Normally I just do this in my journal- each month gets a short paragraph, stating my accomplishments, realizations, and failures. I read through entries from the past year, laughing and crying. Re-experiencing moments of complete disaster, while feeling lied to when I read over moments of excitement or joy. This year, I thought I’d capture moments to post on my blog. There’ll be poems, letters, just plain paragraphs, or maybe even lists.
I’m starting with November of last year, because I found this poem and it captures the darkness and anger I felt, so well.


The walls of Hell are closing in.
There’s a peephole to the outside world;
Evil has taken over
Killings of all creatures.
The elephant’s face has been removed
And sold by the greedy.
Tigers are left bare in the cold night,
While men wear their fur.
Kittens are murdered by cruel boys,
Puppies tortured by princesses.
Animals that fight back are shot
People that fight back are locked in cages.
And those dying of pain are hidden away;
Some hide in Hell to escape the pain
Others find their way out.
But tonight, a woman that continues to face the pain of her past
Tucks herself away to burn in tears.
The walls of hell are closing in.

Ten Things that I am very Thankful for Today

What I am Thankful for this year:

1)My very good friend, Lisa. She’s been there for me so much lately. Encouraging me to keep working hard and making me laugh when I feel like total shit.

2)My neighbors, who spend their evenings giving support to one another and being an understanding community!

3)My sister, Brittany, because she’s amazing. She has been so helpful and caring this past year. When I’ve needed a distraction, she’s taken me out to shop, or eat, or just talk.

4)My Tiny Man, who for some reason is licking my knee, right now. I love him so much and am so glad that I am able to take care of him. He’s gotta be the best kitty baby ever!!

5)Communication with my family. Even though, it’s just text messages here and there, I am glad that my mama talks to me at all. I love getting text messages from her and get so excited to read them.

6)Gateway. Though it stresses me out at times, I dunno where I’d be without them. Because of Gateway, I have my own apartment and can afford it. Gateway gave me my job at Furman, and it has been a struggle at times, but I am making money that I am saving up for a car.

7)The people that are working at Starbucks today, and served yummy coffee/espresso drinks to my friends and me this morning.

8)The sunshine. Though yesterday’s snow was pretty, I am so glad that the sun came out for my friends and me to walk to Starbucks.

9)The support and donations, I got for suicide prevention this Fall. I’m so excited that so many people were able to support my fundraising efforts and understood how much Out of the Darkness means to me.

10)And the calmness of today. Yes, calmness on a holiday. I may not of done the traditional stuff my face, family chaos that we call love, and then go into a food/stress coma. But I had a good day. I got to go on a walk, see friends, play with my cat, make an advent calendar, and in a little while I’m gonna spend time with my sister. Maybe traditional just isn’t for me.

Natural Cures...Cleansing the body

I started reading this book, last week, about cleansing the body to cure illnesses, and eating healthier to prevent illness. In a couple of weeks, I'm gonna do my first 3-day fast (healthy fast). I've been researching and reading up on different fasts and cleanses. Its recommended that you do a 3-day fast before a cleanse. After my 3-day fast, I'm going to do a colon cleanse. I'm doing this to help get toxins out of my body. Our bodies are not meant to run GMOs and pesticides and hormone-injected animals. We're supposed to get our energy and nutrition from natural sources-veggies, whole grains, nuts, seeds, fruit. I know I try to eat healthier and then end up binging on crappy junk food, but the more I read, the more determined I am to be healthier and stronger. So, here I go, slowly preparing for my fast and cleanse.

My attempt at not complaining

My last several posts have been kinda bitchy. Its difficult to not complain, even when we're so tired of hearing everyone complain. I've realized that most people don't know how to have a conversation or even post things online with complaining about one thing or another. So, I'm gonna try really hard to not complain too much today.

My life is okay; I'm alive and healthy. Work was actually kind of fun today. I guess having something new to do was exciting. I had to go to the other building in search of forks, which was an adventure. We looked in a couple of places, before we discovered the last half box of forks! After work, I went to Sally's with a friend to buy bleach- She's bleaching her hair. My hair is actually natural, right now! I don't have much to say. Tiny's good. The other day, he was sitting next to me and everytime, I said "you're my little aangel" he'd give me kisses; it was so cute. I love cuddling with him after work. We get all snuggled in blankies on the futon. I think he is my own little angel; he keeps me on my toes and comforts me when I need it most. Speaking of my little angel, he just pounced on me. Such a good boy! I wish I could continue, but just realized its time for medication.

Complaints about life and Recovery update

The last couple of weeks have thrown me lots of challenges. I've been really nervous about work and stressed about everything. My anxiety has been really high and I've had a few panic attacks, but whatever.

Work was shit last week. I got bitched at by some others at work and really wanted to quit, because I felt like I was being pushed over the edge. A coworker, who is always bossing people around and getting into others' business, was really on my case for a couple of days. It took absolutely all my strength to not bitch-slap her. And then I was getting fussed at, because I don't keep things organized. Which is total BS. It frustrates me, because I'm sadly the most organized person that probably works there. Anyways, it was a really bad week; my friends were pretty supportive. They let me vent and kind of encouraged me to keep going.

I finally started to calm down Saturday, but then some A-hole went through my laundry while it was in the wash and stole my hamper. Who the hell does that? I made a complaint with the apartment manager-person. I was so fucking pissed. Okay, sorry for all the cursing- I'm still pretty pissed about it. Life can be so full of BS.

I wanted to complain about all this nonsense, but also wanted to update about recovery. So, it's been about 2 months since my last therapy session. I had to stop DBT group when I started work, but I was way ahead of everyone else in the group, anyways. I canceled my last individual session and never called to reschedule. I don't really know if I should. Well, I guess eventually I'll have to go back, seeing I'm court-ordered. By the way, court-ordered means nothing at all. I was told I'd get in trouble for not going once a month, but it's been two and the court hasn't called me yet! Anyways, I don't really see the point in going back. The therapist is kinda worthless and i don't actually talk to her when I go. I have a med check in a month- which is even more pointless than therapy. I don't really trust opinion on medications. All the current meds have done is make me fat! Needless to say, I'm gonna tell her that I'm not continuing them. Other than my lack of confidence in my treatment team, recovery is going great. I'm fat, which is progress in this screwed up system. My anxiety goes up and down. I went like 8 months without cutting. And I haven't tried to kill myself in almost 10 months.

Crumby Week

This past week was rough. Its just one of those weeks when everything seems so f***ed up. A snap-shot of this week:

Monday and Tuesday: I didn't have work, so i helped out at the clubhouse (the day treatment place I've been going to the past several months). It was okay; I enjoy hanging out there and helping in their kitchen. The thing I don't like is the way other people boss me around and expect me to do everything for them. Get off your ass and do it yourself. I'm already working on 10 different tasks! Its so stupid. I just get frustrated, because the staff asks me to do something and while I'm working on it, members feel they can give me more task. And I do everything I can to not scream at them. I'm a total bitch for saying this, but: I know I'm held to hire standards, but I still have a limit of how much I can handle. So that whole situation got me worked up.

Wednesday: I had work, but was kind of in a blah mood. I felt homesick all day- I'm still feeling homesick! I just really miss my adoptive family and my friends and I just wanna visit VA soon. That evening, I laid down to go to bed, and started crying. It sucks to try so hard to hold it together, and feel so unworthy of love. Lately, I've been trying to stay upbeat and positive; it's been really hard, though. I really miss my family and feel kinda lonely. My friends that live in the same apartment complex as me have been helping me out a lot, just by being there. It's nice to have friends that I can see everyday.

Thursday: I was feeling down and kinda agitated. I've been very annoyed with people. Its like I'm on edge and just bout to explode. I don't want to, but every time, someone does something wrong or says something I disagree with, I wanna snap at them and make sure they know their wrong. I shouldn't and I know that; I try not to let my frustration with people show, but it generally does.

Friday: It was one of those days where I really just wanted to give up. I was sad because I probably won't see my family til next summer. I was frustrated with stuff going on in my mind. And so tired of being around idiots! In the evening I hung out with some friends at Walmart. I know that sounds dumb, but it was fun. They made me laugh, which is good, and it was just nice to spend time with fun people. Afterwards, I hung out with my neighborhood friends.

When I first started typing I was gonna bitch about how miserable I am and done with all this BS- and I sorta did. But while typing I realized that I'm making it through, because my friends have been there for me so much!