Completely Fine...Right

I'm trying to tell myself and the world that I'm fine. I'm trying to be fine. I'm trying to hold it together for my brother who's moving down here in the nest couple of weeks, for my newborn nephew, for my sister, for my bf, for everyone. I'm trying to push myself to stay in school and focus on lectures and do my homework. I'm trying really, really hard to be nice to customers at work and hold a happy face. I'm trying so hard to reassure my adoptive parents that I'm gonna get through this without help. I'm trying my best to get by and to not completely breakdown and fall to pieces, because I know I need to be strong.

But I don't feel strong. I don't feel like I have it together. My mind is constantly racing and twisting and struggling over one thing or another. And most of the time, it has to do with food or weight. What I ate yesterday. Why did I have to eat that? What am I gonna eat today? How many calories? How much do weigh? I weighed this much earlier, but I've eaten since then...And it goes on and on and on... I feel so trapped and so overwhelmed. All I wanna do is focus on blood smears and parasites and the various medications prescribed to animals, but all I can think about is what if they commit me today. What if I have to medically withdraw? What if I can't get back into the program next spring? What if I never finish school? Am I gonna be stuck in this cycle forever?

I thought I was holding it together. But I missed all my classes yesterday due to depression and anxiety. I missed work once in the past week due to going to the stupid ER and once because I was just too apathetic to go. And the worst part is I feel so guilty, but if I had gone, would it of made a difference. I would of been a total a**hole at work, like I was on Sunday. And yesterday, would I of been able to accomplish any of my work? Would I of been able to take good enough notes? Does it matter? Am I even going to be able to finish this semester? Just everything; it sucks right now. I feel so hopeless.

Last week, I was asked if I could admit that my ED was out of control. I said that I didn't think it was. Ask me now, and I'll tell you, "Everything's out of control."

What the Doc says and the waste of time in the ER

So first, the results of the doctor appointment. It went fine. The blood work all came back normal, which meant they couldn't commit me. Yay- or so I thought. They told me they want to continue to monitor my weight and blood work weekly, and they want me to start meeting with a therapist twice a week. I dunno how I'm supposed to have time for all of that with school and work. They already have me scheduled for an appointment during one of my classes. Not planning on going.

Now, fast-forward to today. I got up, went to get my blood drawn, and started an ensure. I went to my support program and immediately got bombarded. One of the staff members pulled me into a private room to discuss how I was a "danger to myself and others." I listened and understand her point of view. She thinks that because I'm not eating enough, I could pass out while driving and kill someone. First off, I'm eating plenty, or I wouldn't be alive. Secondly, I'm not going to pass out. Lastly, if I felt unsafe to drive, I wouldn't get in the car. But she was threatening to commit me, so I volunteered to go admit myself into the hospital. I went to the psych hospital admissions office and did an assessment. The results of the assessment- I don't meet the criteria to be hospitalized. Imagine that. Exactly what the doctor told me two days ago. They did, however, want me to go to the ER and get medically cleared. So I sat in the ER, all f***ing afternoon to be told I'm fine. What a waste of time?! I could have told you all this morning that I was medically, mentally and in every other way fine!

Now, the support program and my friends all want me to admit myself into an ED treatment program. Like, no. Did you not hear the doctors?? I'm not sick. I'm fine.

Doctor Appointments

I'm normally nervous about doctor appointments. They worry me for all sorts of reasons. But lately it's been because I know my weight is getting lower and I dunno what their protocol is. I'm scared they'll try to hospitalize me if my bloodwork is off; they took blood last week and all the results should be in today. I had an appointment yesterday to check the results and my weight. But they want me to come back today for the rest of the results and to decide how to approach the couple of pounds I've lost since last week. They think I'm losing so much weight, but I still feel so fat and everytime I eat, I feel like I gain 10 lbs.

Other than my nervousness about my appointment, I'm doing so-so. I started spring semester, this week. It's overwhelming right now and I'm already struggling to pay attention in class. My thoughts are elsewhere, but I'm still trying. I've been struggling a lot with urges to self-harm, but haven't acted on them. The doc doesn't need anymore reason to put me in a hospital. I've been fighting those thoughts the best I can and pushing them as deep down as I can. I haven't told anyone til now that I've been having them. I just don't wanna talk about the logic behind it all or the reasoning for feeling the way I do. Or why I must lose weight. I just don't wanna talk about these things. Or maybe I'm scared to talk about these things. I dunno.

That's where I am today. I'll try to update on how the doctor appointment goes.

So it's true...

So it's true. I have relapsed with my ED. I have lost some weight and am continuing to lose weight. Am I planning on getting better? I dunno. It's hard for me to say. I feel like I wanna continue to lose weight, even though I know it's bad for me. Right now, I'm at a 16 BMI and would like to be at a 13 BMI. I logically realize how low that is and I realize that it's not healthy and medically not sustainable. But my ED mind tells me that I can get by with a 13 BMI; it says I could probably get by with a lower BMI.

So I haven't blogged in a long time. And I dunno if now is the right time to start blogging again, but this is where I am. I'm struggling with restricting, b/p-ing (binging and purging), and laxative use. I'll try to keep you up to date with where I am and how I'm doing- whether it be losing more weight or going into recovery. But as of right now, it looks like I'm gonna continue down the road I'm on.

My Birthday WIsh

Today I turn 22 years old. I started out about a week or two ago telling everyone my birthday was coming up. I planned a get-together with some friends and I tried to be excited for it. However, I was really nervous about; for some reason, I gett all nervous and stressed out about my birthday. One year, I shut down, annd didn't wanna celebrate it at all. Another year I cried for pretty much the whole month of may. There were a couple of year I planned to die before my birthday. But this year, I didn't plan my death, and I didn't completely shut down. I planned to celebrate, despite the anxiety that was rattling around in my mind. I don't know why I get anxious and upset around my birthday- well, I have a few ideas I miss my mom, a lot. It was the ninth anniversary of her death this past Monday. It's hard not having a Mom to call whenever I want and cry to when I need help with life's problems. Its hard to miss those moments that you cann only share with a Mom. The ones when you heart is warmed and you are calmed by your mother's wise advice. I want someone to help guide me, and that's what a Mom does. The incredible thing is I had my adoptive mom, and sometimes I wish I could still just call her everyday, or whenever I want to just say hi or to ask for advice. I tried it last weekend. ANd it was nice talking to her. She advised me on some facial products, how to care for my sick cat, and we even talked about church. It was one of those moments that I feel is often missing from my life. After I got off the phone, I felt so blessed and grateful to have my mama, but the next day, I missed her and wished I could just be close to her again.. So, m birthday wish- I know you're not supposed to tell, but I donn't care- I just wanna visit with my family. My adoptive mom and dad and brothers, as well as my biological brothers. I just wanna see them and know that they are still there. Such a silly wish to have. But it means a lot to me to have family, even though mine's pretty complicated...

Enjoy the Small Moments

So it's kind of a rough week. I started my new job, which can be stressful. But I'm trying to stay positive and enjoy each moment. I also have been staying involved in the clubhouse and trying to participate in activities, despite some discouragement. But the most exciting and wonderful moment of this week was with my sister. We went to a local university to eat dinner by the lake. It was so nice out and I loved being surrounded by the beauty. We saw a big fish swimming in the water, and the baby ducks! I also got to relax in my sister's hammock. Moments like that remind me to just take a break and appreciate all the beauty in the world. It also gave me something to think about when I got really stressed out at work.

I have had some rough moments this week with my eating disorder and self-inury tendencies, but with the encouragement I've gotten from my friends and my sister have really helped me to push through the tough moments to get to the good ones. I've never really considered myself lucky, or fortunate, but I am. I am lucky to have so many people who care about me and are there for me. I have a fortune of opportunities and friends who are there for me. Its hard to see sometimes, so I really wanna try to encourage everyone to just think of one moment this week when you laughed uncontrollably with a friend, or randomly started dancing, or saw a beautiful scene, or got to enjoy a little bit of sun, or anything that just made you smile, or laugh.

Spiritual Growth

I have a job!! On Saturday, I start working at the local grocery store as a cashier. I'm very excited to start, but also nervous.

These past couple of weeks have been full of growing opportunities. In the past couple of months, I have been more open to visiting my friends churches. As I've attended church on Sundays and talked to my friends about the possibility and idea of there being a God, I have started questioning my lifestyle and all the choices I have made. At first, I would just lay there thinking about it all and read self-help books. Then my friend gave me a bible- I have had bibles in the past and read them, understanding very little and just feeling as though I was reading some sort of magical fairy tales. But I've been searching for specific answers in the bible, using a guide in the back that list topics. I have found answers to questions I had about relationships, forgiveness, hopelessness, and even money- Who knew you could find financial advice in the bible?! It seemed a little crazy at first that all this real life lessons and information could be found there. I started to pray for more guidance and actually feel like I've been blessed with such.

So about two weeks ago I started going to a Friday night study at a church nearby. Its all about eliminating bad habits and becoming more like Jesus Christ. The people there are so welcoming and seem understanding. The first week a few of the ladies and I sat around discussing questions I had about God that I hadn't quite come across the answers yet. They explained what they and directed me to where I could look in the bible to find more answers. As I read and more things become clear, I'm also finding more questions I have. However, even with all my questions, I've felt so much more open to God and this week, I even feel open to the idea of Jesus Christ. Its complicated to explain what I mean by that, but I struggle to hold on to faith and often switch between being completely against the idea of a God and leaning on faith to get me through life. This week, I came to the realization that I was never really atheist but so terrified and angry with God that I thought if I didn't believe in him, I could hide from him.

Even with this spiritual growth happening, I still do not refer to myself as Christian or a Godly woman. I am just a person, who happens to think there may be a God.

Happy Easter!!

So, it's been a busy few weeks. Since my last blog, I have filled out several job applications and even had an interview. One of the staff members at the clubhouse helped me fill out the applications and has been keeping me encouraged, which I've really been needing. The interview seemed to go well. I followed up with the manager and he said they're still thinking about me, which seemed nice! My job at Furman University is still going well- only 3 weeks left of the job. I am gonna miss some of my coworkers, but am kind of excited to start something new.

My health is so-so. I am still on the same meds and trying to accept that, even though I really disagree about that. I'm not gonna go too much into detail, but I see a psychiatrist again in may and will hopefully get them adjusted again. I have therapy again this week. I was supposed to make a list of things I wanna work on in our sessions. I haven't written the list down, but a few of the things I know I need to work on are:
1)My worrying- I worry everything- money, school, work, therapy, health, doctors,
weight, friends, family, the way people see me- Literally, it feels like
everything! I get so nervous and panicky at times. I wish I didn't- I wish I'd
just relax, but I'm so afraid of things not working out right, or something bad
might happen. Or I might give someone the wrong impression. Or what if I mess
things up with a friend. Or what if I completely relapse and lose all control of
my life. What if my health is worst than I think and I have an awful illness and
I see a doctor and they give me drugs that make it worse or cause new problems.
Or maybe I'll just not wake up one day...I know it sounds so dum to worry about
these things, but sometimes the worry just consumes me. I tried to talk to my
friends about it, today. I'm not really sure if they understand, but I know they
care.
2)Anyways, enough worrying. I also think I need to work on my
self-esteem/confidence. Its kinda tied into the worrying. I just fear that I'm
not good enough and will never do anything successfully in my life. I mean I know
logically I have plenty of things I've accomplished already. But I just get so so
scared I'm gonna fail at things that I tend to give way too easily.
I don't know what else. I'm sure I'll come up with some stuff in the next few day before therapy. And if I don't, I know my friends could list of things that are wrong with me...just kidding- well sorta.

Slow Improvements

This month has gone by so quickly, but it's been busy. I saw a new psychiatrist and am working on getting on the right meds to help my moods and anxiety. On Monday, I see a new therapist for the first time. I'm very anxious about it, but not nearly as anxious as I was about the psychiatrist. I hate doctors, and try to avoid them at ll cost. I'm slowly realizing that could get me in trouble. The nurse that did my intake at the mental health, a couple of weeks ago, told me I should visit a doctor about my blood pressure. I'm 21 years old! I can't have blood pressure problems- but this is old news, you guys. For the past 3 years, my blood pressure's been pretty high; so has my heart rate. I'm pretty sure the cause is a mixture of all my OD's, my eating issues, and extreme dehydration. There's ways to fix two of those problems- eat more and force myself to drink water. Sadly, I can't do much to fix my ODs; they already happened and I can't go back in time to start over. Besides, I probably wouldn't change a damn thing. My life hasn't been easy and probably would have been easier without all the self-injury, but I've accepted those things as they are and consider them an important part of why I am the way I am.

The eating has gotten a lot better, these past few weeks. I've been making a weekly menu, the last two weeks and writing grocery lists, which has been extremely helpful. I've been buying veggies that I really like. And when I've struggled to come up with ideas for dinners, my friends have pitched in ideas. I'm glad my friends are so supportive of me making healthier food choices. I need to stick with healthy foods more though, because my restricting and fasting normally follows nights that I binge on junk food (like last night). I wish my eating habits were more linear and stable, instead of bouncing from one end of the spectrum to the next all the time. Gosh, sounds like my mood...

Anyways, what else has been going on? As I mentioned in my last blog, I'm trying to return to school in the fall. It's not gonna be easy, because nothing seems to come easy to me, I guess. I'm struggling to figure out what I wanna do financially. I wanna go back for psychology, but I'm not sure I have the finances to complete a full degree- Well, I know I don't and don't think I will. I don't really wanna pull out student loans, because any loan scares me- actually anything that's gonna put me in long-term debt. I'm still looking at scholarships and other ways to pay for school. I'm only gonna do part-time for now. Money is such a hard thing to deal with. Making finandial decisions is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, but I've been studying budget plans and reading a book about finance, so that maybe someday I can be financially comfortable.

To help me get to a state of financial comfort, I am also coming to an end with my temporary employment position (TEP) job. I can't believe how fast it's gone by. Now that I've almost completed a TEP, I am looking to do an independent job, but it's hard to stay motivated in job searching. The staff at the clubhouse has been helping me some, but I get so discouraged, like every other day, that I've been going at this for 2 months and have only completed one application with help. My goal is to complete at least 2 applications in the next week. I'll have to remember to blog an update on that goal, next weekend!

A Quick Update

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I currently don't have internet at home, and have been using my precious internet time for other things. In the past couple of months, my mood has been all over the place. I go several days when I am super energized and productive, but then I crash so hard and just don't feel like being around anyone.

During my good days, I've been getting a lot done. I applied for school and got accepted to start in the fall (I still have to figure out the money part...) Last week, I managed to finish one book, study what jobs would be good for my personality, and write some poetry.

On my bad days, I just shut down. I go to work and push through the day, and avoid having any real conversations. Its hard to feel such a complete switch in my mood, so regularly. I'm proud of myself for wanting to go back to school, but at the same time, I am terrified that I might fail. I've also been struggling with eating a little, especially on my bad days. Luckily, my friends have been encouraging me to eat and have even helped me pick out food, the past couple of days. I am so thankful to have such good friends that care about me and help me make healthier choices. I am also glad to have a support system through the organization that I work with. They have been so supportive and patient with me, this week. Actually, for the past year, they have been a major support for me. I don't know how I would have made it without their encouragement and extra support. I hope that I can actually get back on track with my recovery and goals. I know that with all the people who care about me and maybe a little confidence, I could get through this rough patch and start to move on with my life.