I'm normally nervous about doctor appointments. They worry me for all sorts of reasons. But lately it's been because I know my weight is getting lower and I dunno what their protocol is. I'm scared they'll try to hospitalize me if my bloodwork is off; they took blood last week and all the results should be in today. I had an appointment yesterday to check the results and my weight. But they want me to come back today for the rest of the results and to decide how to approach the couple of pounds I've lost since last week. They think I'm losing so much weight, but I still feel so fat and everytime I eat, I feel like I gain 10 lbs.
Other than my nervousness about my appointment, I'm doing so-so. I started spring semester, this week. It's overwhelming right now and I'm already struggling to pay attention in class. My thoughts are elsewhere, but I'm still trying. I've been struggling a lot with urges to self-harm, but haven't acted on them. The doc doesn't need anymore reason to put me in a hospital. I've been fighting those thoughts the best I can and pushing them as deep down as I can. I haven't told anyone til now that I've been having them. I just don't wanna talk about the logic behind it all or the reasoning for feeling the way I do. Or why I must lose weight. I just don't wanna talk about these things. Or maybe I'm scared to talk about these things. I dunno.
That's where I am today. I'll try to update on how the doctor appointment goes.
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