Completely Fine...Right

I'm trying to tell myself and the world that I'm fine. I'm trying to be fine. I'm trying to hold it together for my brother who's moving down here in the nest couple of weeks, for my newborn nephew, for my sister, for my bf, for everyone. I'm trying to push myself to stay in school and focus on lectures and do my homework. I'm trying really, really hard to be nice to customers at work and hold a happy face. I'm trying so hard to reassure my adoptive parents that I'm gonna get through this without help. I'm trying my best to get by and to not completely breakdown and fall to pieces, because I know I need to be strong.

But I don't feel strong. I don't feel like I have it together. My mind is constantly racing and twisting and struggling over one thing or another. And most of the time, it has to do with food or weight. What I ate yesterday. Why did I have to eat that? What am I gonna eat today? How many calories? How much do weigh? I weighed this much earlier, but I've eaten since then...And it goes on and on and on... I feel so trapped and so overwhelmed. All I wanna do is focus on blood smears and parasites and the various medications prescribed to animals, but all I can think about is what if they commit me today. What if I have to medically withdraw? What if I can't get back into the program next spring? What if I never finish school? Am I gonna be stuck in this cycle forever?

I thought I was holding it together. But I missed all my classes yesterday due to depression and anxiety. I missed work once in the past week due to going to the stupid ER and once because I was just too apathetic to go. And the worst part is I feel so guilty, but if I had gone, would it of made a difference. I would of been a total a**hole at work, like I was on Sunday. And yesterday, would I of been able to accomplish any of my work? Would I of been able to take good enough notes? Does it matter? Am I even going to be able to finish this semester? Just everything; it sucks right now. I feel so hopeless.

Last week, I was asked if I could admit that my ED was out of control. I said that I didn't think it was. Ask me now, and I'll tell you, "Everything's out of control."