May 6

My anxiety has not eased. And the self-injury is becoming more of a problem. Its like I switched the eating disorder habits for self-injury. I'm cutting daily- like literally haven't missed a day in almost a week. And to be honest, I'm starting to have urges to OD. I really dunno what to do. The DBT therapist isn't gonna think I'm serious about treatment if I tell her I'm cutting everyday. I do want and need help. Its just the urges are so strong and I don't have the strength to fight them right now. If I weren't at my parents, I'd be taking handfuls of laxatives everyday, barely eating, and purging what I do eat. There's no balance in my life- I have to be self-destructive. I wanna just slip away and not be found. I can't fight this illness. My mom knows how hard the last few days have been and has been trying to show me extra support and love. I feel like such a burden on them- I shouldn't even be their burden. My bio-father should have to clean up my messes; I cleaned up his. My bio-mom shouldn't have died; she should be the one helping me through these struggles. I know its not her fault and she'd be here if she could. I would feel just as guilty being a burden on her though. She worked so hard to take care of my siblings and me. And this is how I turned out. My siblings are all successfully working jobs and starting families, while I'm destroying myself and burdening whoever will take me in. I don't deserve love or support. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this family that loves me despite all my faults. I don't deserve my friends. I don't even deserve those who read this blog.

I've taken 3 of my sleep PRNs, so I should drift off into a deep sleep soon and not think about this anymore. My parents are trying so hard to get me the best care they can find under my circumstances and I'm just continuing with the same old shit. I really hate myself right now.