This weekend with my dad's parents in town went better than I thought. I spent most of Saturday with my mom. We went to a baby shower and church, while my dad, brother, and my dad's parents hung out at home. Then Sunday was my brother's 8th birthday. We made him a birthday cake and went out to eat. The interactions with my dad's parents were awkward, as expected. But they didn't ask or pry into my personal business, so that was nice. And I did make it 2 days without cutting! But the 2 days is over. My mom keeps talking to me about this book she's reading and asking me questions about how I feel and how BPD affects my thoughts. Most of the conversations are super uncomfortable. Someone also sent me 2 books on cutting and my mom wants to "screen them" before I read them, because she doesn't want me to feel any more shame than I already do. Way to make me feel like I'm weak or something. Like I can't even handle reading self-help books. I know she means well. But I feel like she's taking too much control, which is no good for Ana. I've been having a lot of Ana thoughts the past couple of days, but am too fat to act on them. Ever since I weighed myself, last week, I just see fat all over my body and nothing else. I dunno what to do. I need to start restricting again. I've been eating just half an apple for breakfast every morning, and a Starbucks Doubleshot (210 calories). For lunch, I'm backing down to miso soups (20-30 calories, depending on brand). And for snacks, my mom bought me celery and carrots. Then I have to eat normal dinners with everyone else. That would still be fairly healthy, right? I wouldn't really be restricting; just choosing to eat healthy.
Things coming up:
-Tomorrow, I have an appointment with the psychiatrist; hopefully, he/she won't make too many changes to my meds
-On Thursday, I have another appointment with the DBT therapist; we'll make a decision if I'll start DBT or not
-On Thursday night, I have bible study again
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