May 21

My therapy appointment on Thursday went well. I'm gonna continue to see her every Thursday for individual sessions. Later, I'll start the DBT group, but she doesn't think I'm quite ready for that. She wants to work with me on decreasing how often I'm self-harming and the ED issues. The ED issues are spiking this weekend, though. I'm struggling with restricting. I just don't wanna eat anything. I'm getting fat and its causing me to spiral. All, I've had to eat today is half an apple, and a Starbucks Doubleshot. Chickfila is for dinner; I dunno if I can bring myself to eat it. But if I don't, my mom's gonna start worrying.

I'm still cutting 2-3 times a day. I somehow have made it this far into Saturday without cutting, but I don't expect to make it til bedtime. I hate these struggles and I really hope the DBT helps. I wanna get back on track and feel better about everything.

Underneath all of my SH and ED issues, I'm dealing with my intense emotions of BPD and the reoccurring grief of my bio-mom's death. I'm really struggling with everything that's happen. I should be able to sort out my thoughts, accept things as they are, and be okay. But I feel so all over the place and mixed up. I've been praying all day for guidance, wisdom, peace, and security. I just hope God is listening and things will start to sort themselves out. I'm listening for answers, or at least trying to remain open to them.