I was supposed to have my intake appointment with the DBT therapist today, but it got rescheduled for Thursday. So I just tried to remain numb and watch tv most of the day. I looked at myself in the mirror and almost cried. I've gained so much weight and look disgusting. I dunno how I'm supposed to continue eating all day when I look so gross and fat. I just wanna take a knife and cut my stomach off and cut the sides of my thighs off. I hate seeing and feeling all my fat. I just can't stand it. I can't stand seeing it or thinking about it. I want it gone. I was doing so good before I was hospitalized and sent to Texas. Ok, good isn't quite the right word. But it doesn't matter if I'm eating or not, I'm still suicidal! What do I do?
My mom is holding my meds to prevent an OD. And she's being extra observant, because we talked some about how bad I'm doing. I dunno if I can hold it together until Thursday. And what if Thursday doesn't go well? Just a lot to think about and cope with. I also need to be working on deciding a health plan for Medicaid, and I should clean my room. So I have things to occupy my time the next few days. I just hope its enough.
Sometimes numbing out and vegging on the couch is the best way to get through the day, and when things are so difficult, that's a hell of an achievement in itself.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your mum's supervising your meds. I know it was a huge help to me. Unfortunately she just gets out the whole day's meds at once and doesn't check when I take them, so there's always the temptation to mess around.
xxx