May 13

Oh, has it been quite eventful these last couple of days. I'm so fucked up and don't even know how to handle everything that's going on around me and in my head. Where do I even start?

Last night was really hard and I'm still upset. I weighed myself; I've gained way too much weight. I'm almost to a healthy BMI. I'm fat. I feel so disgusted with myself. My parents were at their bible study. So I drove my dad's car to Walmart and bought diet pills before I went to my bible study. I was so devastated at how much I've gained. I've thought about OD-ing. But stuck with lots of cutting. I'm now cutting 2-3 times a day. It's out of control. Everything seems to be out of control. Anyways back to the diet pills (we'll come back to the cutting). At bible study, I really prayed and tried to take in what was being said. The message was about how to start a transition. What's the first step I needed to take to start whatever I'm transitioning into. I decided getting rid of the diet pills was the step I needed to take to transition to healing at that moment. I went out to my dad's car and got the diet pills and threw them into a trash can. I felt like I had done something awful. I feel so mixed up about buying them to begin with, but then throwing them out. I feel conflicted. I wanna start restricting but I want the DBT therapist to believe I'm serious about treatment.

That brings us to tonight's special event. My dad walked in on me cutting. I grabbed a blanket fast enough to cover everything and just said "I don't have pants on" and he was like "that's awkward" and left. I dunno what to do. I'm staying in my little brother's room while my dad's parents are in town this weekend and I dunno if I can go 2 days without cutting. I can barely go 2 hours without cutting. Its gonna be a rough weekend.