May 18

Today, I had my psychiatrist appointment. It went surprisingly ok for the most part. I told him about how often I was cutting and asked if he could increase the dose of naltrexone to help with the urges. He said he couldn't increase the dose, which was disappointing. But he did increase my Zoloft, so I guess that's good. He seemed nice and like he knew what he was doing but he seemed tied by a lot of restrictions. At first, he wasn't even sure he could prescribe the naltrexone at all. They weighed me there, too. I've gained even more weight. I'm getting fat and am freaking out. I shouldn't have thrown out those diet pills last week. I need them. I need to lose like 30 lbs. How do I do it without my mom noticing? I need to come up with a strict diet to stick to. Its so hard to not let the ED thoughts creep back in and take over, especially when I have so many changes in my routine and lifestyle. I think I'm gonna buy diet pills again tomorrow when I go out. I know I shouldn't and that I need to focus on recovery, but its so tempting and I dunno how to fight the temptation. My mom says that she can deal with the cutting, but the not eating scares her because the possibility of heart failure. I feel guilty for buying the pills, because driving my dad's car to bible study is a privilege and stopping on the way to buy pills feels so wrong. I feel like I'm betraying their trust. I feel so conflicted- like a war is going on inside my head. Buy the pills- don't- restrict- don't- buy the pills- don't- restrict- don't. You don't wanna lose their trust- who cares- you can't lose their trust- you're gonna screw up eventually... It doesn't stop. I don't know what to do.