Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I currently don't have internet at home, and have been using my precious internet time for other things. In the past couple of months, my mood has been all over the place. I go several days when I am super energized and productive, but then I crash so hard and just don't feel like being around anyone.
During my good days, I've been getting a lot done. I applied for school and got accepted to start in the fall (I still have to figure out the money part...) Last week, I managed to finish one book, study what jobs would be good for my personality, and write some poetry.
On my bad days, I just shut down. I go to work and push through the day, and avoid having any real conversations. Its hard to feel such a complete switch in my mood, so regularly. I'm proud of myself for wanting to go back to school, but at the same time, I am terrified that I might fail. I've also been struggling with eating a little, especially on my bad days. Luckily, my friends have been encouraging me to eat and have even helped me pick out food, the past couple of days. I am so thankful to have such good friends that care about me and help me make healthier choices. I am also glad to have a support system through the organization that I work with. They have been so supportive and patient with me, this week. Actually, for the past year, they have been a major support for me. I don't know how I would have made it without their encouragement and extra support. I hope that I can actually get back on track with my recovery and goals. I know that with all the people who care about me and maybe a little confidence, I could get through this rough patch and start to move on with my life.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Summary of my Last Hospitalization
Two blogs ago, I talked about being really stressed out- not much has changed. In that blog, I listed everything stressing me out, including trying to be good enough for my friends and a road trip. The road trip went really well. I got to my biological siblings and my adoptive family and some old friends- all good stuff. I really had nothing to worry about, but I’m just always anxious about not knowing exactly what to expect. Anyways, I’m still not good enough for my friends, but at the same time, that might be a good thing, because I’m not sure I can trust them anyways.
In that same blog, I talked about the last three Januarys and the difficulties I’ve had, each year. This is a blog I wrote originally on February 5th and kind of a follow-up on that:
It’s been a whole year since I was discharged from my last hospitalization. That hospitalization was bittersweet. I went in due to severe depression and anxiety, suicidal ideations, refusing to eat, and not taking my prescribed medications. I was committed, involuntary hospitalization. By that point, I had realized that even if I went voluntarily, they’d put down involuntary, because of my history.
My first week in the hospital, I avoided all eye contact and cried, a lot. The only time I really spoke, people barely heard me, because I didn’t have the energy to speak up. I continued to eat as little as possible and argued with the nurses and doctors about food. When I finally did eat, I forced it back out of me, purging and then sitting on the bathroom floor crying. I took anything and everything I could find that was sharp enough to cut my skin. I’d sit in my bed, covering my stuffed monkey’s face to protect him from the pain I felt. I’d fallen so deep into my own depression and didn’t plan to find a way out. Instead I thought about ways I could end my life inside the hospital, or ways to escape the hospital, only to end my life.
Lost in my head and harming my body, the doctor thought it’d be best to put me in the Intensive Management Unit- IMU. This is where the really, really sick people go. Most- no, all of the people in this unit were far sicker than me. They were so out of touch with reality. I guess I was in a way, but I was there due to my self-injury and lack of care for my body. I was in this unit for about a week. The rules were stricter. No going to my room for one hour after each meal. I had to stay in sight of the nurse’s station. I wasn’t allowed to go to groups until I’d gained some sort of trust. I had to be weighed daily. Once I was allowed to go to groups, I had to be escorted.
When they weren’t creating new rules for me, they were threatening me with isolation and feeding tubes. Most of the threats were BS, but my goal was to be released so that I could end my own life. I didn’t really hide my plans; I was open and honest. I didn’t want to be anywhere and I didn’t want to be alive. I had no future (I dunno if anything’s changed on that subject). I was hopeless and horrified of that fact. Eventually, the meds kicked in and I started to come out of my darkness. It was supposed to be a good thing, but it made me realize how afraid I was of the other patients. I won’t go into detail, but I did not feel comfortable and was terrified of the men in IMU.
Because I was eating and starting to level out emotionally, as well as not feeling safe in IMU, I was moved back to the normal adult psychiatric unit. I had my court date, where they found me incapable of making healthy decisions when it came to my medical care. They put all my decision-making into the doctor’s hands. After my court date, I was there for about a week and a half more, while they tried to decide what to do with me. Through a lot of pushing and contemplation, the decision was made- I was going to give Gateway, a shot. I’d be going to therapy, DBT, seeing a doctor, and spending most of my days in some sort of long term day treatment-type thing.
A year later, my court-order has ended. I haven’t been to an actual therapy session in several months, and I’m still going to Gateway. A lot has changed- my circumstances have changed, some of my thoughts have changed, and I have a few new dreams (dreams and nothing more).
In that same blog, I talked about the last three Januarys and the difficulties I’ve had, each year. This is a blog I wrote originally on February 5th and kind of a follow-up on that:
It’s been a whole year since I was discharged from my last hospitalization. That hospitalization was bittersweet. I went in due to severe depression and anxiety, suicidal ideations, refusing to eat, and not taking my prescribed medications. I was committed, involuntary hospitalization. By that point, I had realized that even if I went voluntarily, they’d put down involuntary, because of my history.
My first week in the hospital, I avoided all eye contact and cried, a lot. The only time I really spoke, people barely heard me, because I didn’t have the energy to speak up. I continued to eat as little as possible and argued with the nurses and doctors about food. When I finally did eat, I forced it back out of me, purging and then sitting on the bathroom floor crying. I took anything and everything I could find that was sharp enough to cut my skin. I’d sit in my bed, covering my stuffed monkey’s face to protect him from the pain I felt. I’d fallen so deep into my own depression and didn’t plan to find a way out. Instead I thought about ways I could end my life inside the hospital, or ways to escape the hospital, only to end my life.
Lost in my head and harming my body, the doctor thought it’d be best to put me in the Intensive Management Unit- IMU. This is where the really, really sick people go. Most- no, all of the people in this unit were far sicker than me. They were so out of touch with reality. I guess I was in a way, but I was there due to my self-injury and lack of care for my body. I was in this unit for about a week. The rules were stricter. No going to my room for one hour after each meal. I had to stay in sight of the nurse’s station. I wasn’t allowed to go to groups until I’d gained some sort of trust. I had to be weighed daily. Once I was allowed to go to groups, I had to be escorted.
When they weren’t creating new rules for me, they were threatening me with isolation and feeding tubes. Most of the threats were BS, but my goal was to be released so that I could end my own life. I didn’t really hide my plans; I was open and honest. I didn’t want to be anywhere and I didn’t want to be alive. I had no future (I dunno if anything’s changed on that subject). I was hopeless and horrified of that fact. Eventually, the meds kicked in and I started to come out of my darkness. It was supposed to be a good thing, but it made me realize how afraid I was of the other patients. I won’t go into detail, but I did not feel comfortable and was terrified of the men in IMU.
Because I was eating and starting to level out emotionally, as well as not feeling safe in IMU, I was moved back to the normal adult psychiatric unit. I had my court date, where they found me incapable of making healthy decisions when it came to my medical care. They put all my decision-making into the doctor’s hands. After my court date, I was there for about a week and a half more, while they tried to decide what to do with me. Through a lot of pushing and contemplation, the decision was made- I was going to give Gateway, a shot. I’d be going to therapy, DBT, seeing a doctor, and spending most of my days in some sort of long term day treatment-type thing.
A year later, my court-order has ended. I haven’t been to an actual therapy session in several months, and I’m still going to Gateway. A lot has changed- my circumstances have changed, some of my thoughts have changed, and I have a few new dreams (dreams and nothing more).
Saturday, January 25, 2014
A lot of rambling thoughts
There's so much I've been wanting to blog about, but it's gonna have to wait. I have something on my mind at this moment that I just feel I need to share. I'm struggling with a lot of insecurities, right now. That's not really anything new, but I feel so conflicted and confused with everything, lately. I don't know where to start with this blog, because my thought are everywhere. I dunno where the beginning is, so I apologize if this blog gets too long.
As many of you know from reading my blog and just from knowing me, I've had my struggles with family, friends, mental illness- blah blah blah... This is hard to write about because I don't like to talk about things that I've tried very hard to hide. I want to start by saying I'm sorry to everyone I've lied to, everyone I've hurt, and just everyone. I know so far I just sound overly apologetic. It's because I'm scared of the judgements and problems that could stir up from this blog.
2012 was one hell of a year and most of my life I feel like has been hell. I've made a lot of bad choices, most of which made me very suicidal. I felt guilty for screaming hurtful things at a family that loved me even though I wasn't apart of the family. I felt guilty and still do for lying to them, putting myself in danger, causing them to feel unsafe, and there's just so much more that I can't begin to talk about. When I moved in with my adoptive family, I wanted to be rescued from the pain of losing my mom, the fears that I wasn't loved or wanted, the anxiety of growing up and not being able to take care of myself- no one could save me from these things. I realized that no matter what I did or where I went, this misery would follow. I wanted it to go away so badly. I don't know why I couldn't communicate these things, but I was so afraid that something must have been wrong with me- and to a degree, I was right, wasn't I? I had a mental illness. And I know in recovery that you shouldn't think that mental illness is wrong- But it is. It's very wrong, and it makes me feel wrong every fucking day!
I didn't start this blog to cry about being "abandoned" or to go into detail of all the shitty things I did. I wrote this blog, because the person I trusted more than anyone in the midst of all this emailed me this evening. I used to email her, but I gave up. She wanted nothing to do with me, or that's how it seemed. Her emailing me means a lot to me. It means she still cares. She asked how i was doing. I started typing about how I'm working on getting a car, and finding an independent job, and feeling more confident. But as i typed, I became less and less confident. She was my therapist, so I felt giving an update on my recovery and treatment was reasonable. Here it goes:
"My court order ended this month, so I guess I don't have to go to therapy or see the "doctor" anymore. I haven't actually been to therapy since August, anyways... (I'm not confident enough to put this part in)...Its all okay, though, because I'm actually doing really well. I have accepted my past as it is and have left my future open to possibilities- very, very open. And I even weigh 25 lbs more than I did a year ago...but I try not to think about it too much. Yeah, so life is good. I'm back to being someone's little success story, and the family is sorta starting to like me again."
I stopped there, because I felt overwhelmed with my thoughts. My court order did end this month which is a good thing; i guess it means the court thinks I became competent in the past year?. According to the court order I was supposed to go to therapy once a month and see a doctor every month, but I haven't been doing that. I have valid reasons for this. The therapist, I'm supposed to be seeing isn't a good fit. Her personality just...sucks! I'm sure there's something good about her, however it's not her job. And the "doctor"- the oh-so-lovely doctor, who isn't a doctor. I don't actually have a psychiatrist; I have a nurse practitioner, and I just disagree with her in what medications work for me. I'm not going into it.
In my email to my former therapist, I wanted to sound like I was doing well, and I am in some ways, which I tried to convince her and myself that after I stated things that I'm not ready to discuss on here. Don't worry, it's not life-threatening, or bodily damage, or anything illegal. Just I feel like people would disagree with me and hate me for certain choices I have made. Continuing on, I tried explaining that I have accepted the past- okay, no one really ever accepts the past, but wouldn't it be nice? The whole open future thing was a little- especially, seeing I'm not looking at the future right now, because the future seems like an awful place to be. I then thought I could talk about how I've gained a lot weight and I actually had fat on me, but then that freaked me out and made me- okay, I really don't wanna think about my weight right now.
I decided to just give up on the email, especially after I typed the last part about being a success story. Which I'm not a success story, at least hope nobody uses me as their success story- because I make a really shitty success story. Anyways, I'm glad I could vent to who ever the hell has time to read this. I'm feeling a little bit more at ease surprisingly. But I still haven't sent an email and have no idea what to say. The problem, I want her to be my therapist, but I know she's not my therapist and can't be my therapist. I understand why, but it still sucks. She was a really good therapist, and good therapists are really fucking hard to find.
As many of you know from reading my blog and just from knowing me, I've had my struggles with family, friends, mental illness- blah blah blah... This is hard to write about because I don't like to talk about things that I've tried very hard to hide. I want to start by saying I'm sorry to everyone I've lied to, everyone I've hurt, and just everyone. I know so far I just sound overly apologetic. It's because I'm scared of the judgements and problems that could stir up from this blog.
2012 was one hell of a year and most of my life I feel like has been hell. I've made a lot of bad choices, most of which made me very suicidal. I felt guilty for screaming hurtful things at a family that loved me even though I wasn't apart of the family. I felt guilty and still do for lying to them, putting myself in danger, causing them to feel unsafe, and there's just so much more that I can't begin to talk about. When I moved in with my adoptive family, I wanted to be rescued from the pain of losing my mom, the fears that I wasn't loved or wanted, the anxiety of growing up and not being able to take care of myself- no one could save me from these things. I realized that no matter what I did or where I went, this misery would follow. I wanted it to go away so badly. I don't know why I couldn't communicate these things, but I was so afraid that something must have been wrong with me- and to a degree, I was right, wasn't I? I had a mental illness. And I know in recovery that you shouldn't think that mental illness is wrong- But it is. It's very wrong, and it makes me feel wrong every fucking day!
I didn't start this blog to cry about being "abandoned" or to go into detail of all the shitty things I did. I wrote this blog, because the person I trusted more than anyone in the midst of all this emailed me this evening. I used to email her, but I gave up. She wanted nothing to do with me, or that's how it seemed. Her emailing me means a lot to me. It means she still cares. She asked how i was doing. I started typing about how I'm working on getting a car, and finding an independent job, and feeling more confident. But as i typed, I became less and less confident. She was my therapist, so I felt giving an update on my recovery and treatment was reasonable. Here it goes:
"My court order ended this month, so I guess I don't have to go to therapy or see the "doctor" anymore. I haven't actually been to therapy since August, anyways... (I'm not confident enough to put this part in)...Its all okay, though, because I'm actually doing really well. I have accepted my past as it is and have left my future open to possibilities- very, very open. And I even weigh 25 lbs more than I did a year ago...but I try not to think about it too much. Yeah, so life is good. I'm back to being someone's little success story, and the family is sorta starting to like me again."
I stopped there, because I felt overwhelmed with my thoughts. My court order did end this month which is a good thing; i guess it means the court thinks I became competent in the past year?. According to the court order I was supposed to go to therapy once a month and see a doctor every month, but I haven't been doing that. I have valid reasons for this. The therapist, I'm supposed to be seeing isn't a good fit. Her personality just...sucks! I'm sure there's something good about her, however it's not her job. And the "doctor"- the oh-so-lovely doctor, who isn't a doctor. I don't actually have a psychiatrist; I have a nurse practitioner, and I just disagree with her in what medications work for me. I'm not going into it.
In my email to my former therapist, I wanted to sound like I was doing well, and I am in some ways, which I tried to convince her and myself that after I stated things that I'm not ready to discuss on here. Don't worry, it's not life-threatening, or bodily damage, or anything illegal. Just I feel like people would disagree with me and hate me for certain choices I have made. Continuing on, I tried explaining that I have accepted the past- okay, no one really ever accepts the past, but wouldn't it be nice? The whole open future thing was a little- especially, seeing I'm not looking at the future right now, because the future seems like an awful place to be. I then thought I could talk about how I've gained a lot weight and I actually had fat on me, but then that freaked me out and made me- okay, I really don't wanna think about my weight right now.
I decided to just give up on the email, especially after I typed the last part about being a success story. Which I'm not a success story, at least hope nobody uses me as their success story- because I make a really shitty success story. Anyways, I'm glad I could vent to who ever the hell has time to read this. I'm feeling a little bit more at ease surprisingly. But I still haven't sent an email and have no idea what to say. The problem, I want her to be my therapist, but I know she's not my therapist and can't be my therapist. I understand why, but it still sucks. She was a really good therapist, and good therapists are really fucking hard to find.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Stress, Anxiety, and More Stress!
I wanted to blog today, before I leave for a road trip with my sister. I'm not taking my lap top and will be free from social media for a few day; I will have my phone, but it's one of those "dumb" phones (and how much I love having an excuse to not be on social media 24-7!)
Anyways, I've been stressing about everything lately; like yesterday, when I was stressed out about being stressed out! Grrrrr... Due to my stress, I've been getting migraines like every other day- Lovely... Hopefully I can just chill and enjoy time with all my siblings and friends this weekend!!
So, yesterday, during my Thursday Yoga Class, I was too stressed and overwhelmed to get to a peaceful state. I started to reflect and think about what was stressing me out, and there was a long list:
1) Trying to be good enough for my friends (which realistically is never gonna
happen, because they want super woman to be their friend- not a human)
2) I have become completely and totally unorganized...I've been trying so hard to
get organized, but it's hard...by the way, does anyone need shorts? I have bag
full of shorts and a few shirts that are to big for me. If not, they are off
to Good Will in the next week or two
3) I get nervous about trips, but who doesn't?
4) Work started back this past week, and I'm trying to get a routine.
5) A friend passed away...he was such a sweet person; drove me nuts at times and
annoyed the crap out of me, but was always happy and friendly, even when I was
being a total bitch!
6) This list can go on and on, but I'm leaving soon and need to organize last minute things...
Basically, I'm just overly anxious and worried and stressing myself out. While I was reflecting all this yesterday, I realized that January is a really really hard month.. I dunno why, but every January, I seem to just hit a breaking point. I don't really remember 4 years ago or any January before that. But 3 years ago was my first car accident that triggered my depression and anxiety to spiral completely out of Control. Then the past two years, I spent January hospitalized- Go me... This year, luckily, I'm not in the hospital, I weigh 20 pounds more (BTW), and I'm mostly functional...Sounds good!
Oh and my gym goal...I'm planning for Tuesday. My gym buddy and I have planned to go together..Now for the follow through!
Anyways, I've been stressing about everything lately; like yesterday, when I was stressed out about being stressed out! Grrrrr... Due to my stress, I've been getting migraines like every other day- Lovely... Hopefully I can just chill and enjoy time with all my siblings and friends this weekend!!
So, yesterday, during my Thursday Yoga Class, I was too stressed and overwhelmed to get to a peaceful state. I started to reflect and think about what was stressing me out, and there was a long list:
1) Trying to be good enough for my friends (which realistically is never gonna
happen, because they want super woman to be their friend- not a human)
2) I have become completely and totally unorganized...I've been trying so hard to
get organized, but it's hard...by the way, does anyone need shorts? I have bag
full of shorts and a few shirts that are to big for me. If not, they are off
to Good Will in the next week or two
3) I get nervous about trips, but who doesn't?
4) Work started back this past week, and I'm trying to get a routine.
5) A friend passed away...he was such a sweet person; drove me nuts at times and
annoyed the crap out of me, but was always happy and friendly, even when I was
being a total bitch!
6) This list can go on and on, but I'm leaving soon and need to organize last minute things...
Basically, I'm just overly anxious and worried and stressing myself out. While I was reflecting all this yesterday, I realized that January is a really really hard month.. I dunno why, but every January, I seem to just hit a breaking point. I don't really remember 4 years ago or any January before that. But 3 years ago was my first car accident that triggered my depression and anxiety to spiral completely out of Control. Then the past two years, I spent January hospitalized- Go me... This year, luckily, I'm not in the hospital, I weigh 20 pounds more (BTW), and I'm mostly functional...Sounds good!
Oh and my gym goal...I'm planning for Tuesday. My gym buddy and I have planned to go together..Now for the follow through!
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Moved past one fear...now for some stress relief!
I baked a cake this week and decorated it! It was so much fun. I baked it for my friend's birthday. She wanted a "Kermit the Frog" Cake, so I used fondant to create Kermit's face. I places it on top of purple frosting. The cake was vanilla gluten free cake. I'm so proud of my self; it turned out really cute. I'm gonna make another cake, or two, next week, for my other friends' birthdays.
I still haven't made it to the gym and probably won't this week. I need a car, so badly! I go back to work, this week and next weekend, I'm supposed visit my older brother and his wife for their baby shower!! I'm excited to see them. It's gonna be a busy week. But my goal for the week is to practice stress-relief activities. I've been trying to spend a few minutes every night, reflecting on the day. I'm trying to be better about calming myself down before bed. This week, I'm gonna work on doing just 5-10 minute of meditation, or yoga, each day. I also got myself some stress relief tea!!
I still haven't made it to the gym and probably won't this week. I need a car, so badly! I go back to work, this week and next weekend, I'm supposed visit my older brother and his wife for their baby shower!! I'm excited to see them. It's gonna be a busy week. But my goal for the week is to practice stress-relief activities. I've been trying to spend a few minutes every night, reflecting on the day. I'm trying to be better about calming myself down before bed. This week, I'm gonna work on doing just 5-10 minute of meditation, or yoga, each day. I also got myself some stress relief tea!!
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Struggles to lift my spirit
I did not make it to the gym this week, but I did do yoga on Thursday. While I’m extremely disappointed in myself, I am excited that my gym buddy is back in town and am hoping she’ll encourage me to get to the gym. In the meantime, I’ve been cleaning and organizing my apartment. Well, I’ve been organizing my thoughts, mostly. Trying. I just wanna be healthy and feel positive. Right now, I feel very blah. So, I’ve been trying to think of things that would lift my spirits. My list of things that might make me feel a little better: organization (which my apartment desperately needs), working out (it should be easy, but it’s not), and decorating cakes.
I’m really anxious about baking and just food in general. I used to love to bake, but anorexia and this healthy food obsession has gotten in the way. I wanna feel good about decorating cakes. But I don’t. At one point, I really thought about going to culinary school and working in a bakery. I wanted to; I never will, but I wish I could move past this anxiety over food. I just get stressed out about the calories, the fat, the sugar, how it’ll affect my body, how much is okay to eat….and it just goes on and on. Then, I just say forget it. So, I probably won’t actually decorate cakes, but it’s a nice dream. Now, that typing this blog has triggered anxiety, I’m gonna go find something to organize or clean.
I’m really anxious about baking and just food in general. I used to love to bake, but anorexia and this healthy food obsession has gotten in the way. I wanna feel good about decorating cakes. But I don’t. At one point, I really thought about going to culinary school and working in a bakery. I wanted to; I never will, but I wish I could move past this anxiety over food. I just get stressed out about the calories, the fat, the sugar, how it’ll affect my body, how much is okay to eat….and it just goes on and on. Then, I just say forget it. So, I probably won’t actually decorate cakes, but it’s a nice dream. Now, that typing this blog has triggered anxiety, I’m gonna go find something to organize or clean.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
2014 Resolution
Last year, I didn’t bother coming up with a New Year resolution, or goal, or anything. I was far too depressed and didn’t think I’d be alive for the majority of the year. Now, one year later, I’m still alive and have made many changes to my life in 2013. This year is a little different, because I’m not planning to die. So I felt like I was supposed to come up with some sort of goal for the year. I’ve thought about it a lot. I tried not to, but everyone’s obsessed with new year resolutions, and it all seems to have to do with dieting and weight. My weight is actually at a healthy BMI and as big as I feel, I’m not gonna screw with it. And seeing I change my diet weekly anyways and am constantly trying to figure out how to eat healthier, I decided I didn’t really need extra motivation to over focus on my diet. Working out is another popular resolution, which is one I could do. I got a gym membership, a month ago, and really wanna go two or three times a week. The problem that I’m running into is it’s cold outside and I don’t wanna walk there. So, it’s not gonna happen until I get a car.
After a lot of considering, developing ideas, throwing ideas out and developing new ones, I finally came up with something. My new year resolution is to come up with smaller goals and following through with them. I’ve realized that I often come up with goals and over detailed plans for what I wanna do with my life, but I rarely follow through. I give up after a few weeks and then feel guilty and upset that I can’t accomplish anything. However if I have a smaller goal that I can accomplish within a few days or a week, I’ll feel good when I accomplish a goal.
My first goal is to make it to the gym at least once this week. I’d like to work out at least 3 times a week, but I’m trying to accept that right now, it’s not a realistic expectation for myself. Maybe once I have a car, or when it gets warmer out (and when it stays light out longer), I’ll be able to work out more. For now, I’ll go when I’m able to and try to make it there, once a week.
After a lot of considering, developing ideas, throwing ideas out and developing new ones, I finally came up with something. My new year resolution is to come up with smaller goals and following through with them. I’ve realized that I often come up with goals and over detailed plans for what I wanna do with my life, but I rarely follow through. I give up after a few weeks and then feel guilty and upset that I can’t accomplish anything. However if I have a smaller goal that I can accomplish within a few days or a week, I’ll feel good when I accomplish a goal.
My first goal is to make it to the gym at least once this week. I’d like to work out at least 3 times a week, but I’m trying to accept that right now, it’s not a realistic expectation for myself. Maybe once I have a car, or when it gets warmer out (and when it stays light out longer), I’ll be able to work out more. For now, I’ll go when I’m able to and try to make it there, once a week.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
and yet another thing I'm incapable of following through with.
I really don't feel like posting anything today, even though I'm just copying something from my journal. I wanna follow through with my open review of the year, however I feel very discouraged today. People seem to wanna point out my every wrong. I don't need reminders that I'm a worthless piece of shit. I already know that. I'm sorry for trying. I'm sorry for putting my best efforts into everything I do. I'm sorry that I help people, do my job, show up for meetings, clean up after others, and take care of stuff so that no one else has to be bothered with it. I'm sorry that I'm functional. I'm sorry that I'm really not that sorry. I'm actually pissed off, hurt and agitated- not to mention feeling unwanted, under-appreciated, and worthless.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
June 2013
I feel mega-depressed. Andi's dead. She's gone. And I didn't get to say good-bye and I miss her so much. Logically, I know it's not my fault, but I feel so guilty. I love her and she's probably one of the best friends I've ever had. I don't want her to be gone. And then, I think about her kid and how much it hurts to lose a mom. My heart feels like it's shattered. I can't do this anymore. I'm just in so much pain. My emotions: guilt for being a burden on her; grief; hopelessness; alone; defeated; hurt; destructive; depressed; upset. And there's nothing I can do about it. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to respond? What's healthy and what's not? When do I know it's okay to stop crying?
Monday, December 16, 2013
May 2013
I'm skipping April, beause it's my bio-mom's birthday. Instead I'm sharing from May 25, the day before the eighth anniversary of her death.
Thinking about Lina makes me sad. I miss her. I also feel guilty for not being upset about the anniversary of her death. Why do I feel guilty? What's gonna happen if I'm not sad? I feel guilty, because I think I'm supposed to be sad. That's what people do. On a death anniversary, people seem to re-experience that loss...Am I a bad person? Living my life, not even thinking about those who died? No. I'm not a bad person. I miss Lina...But I'm not losing them right now. Right now, I'm in my apartment with Tiny. I'm doing mostly well. I accept that I lost Lina. I accept that I've gone through tragedy. But I also accept I only have control over what's right here in my living room. I am able to love and miss someone while doing well and achieving my goals. I am doing well.
Thinking about Lina makes me sad. I miss her. I also feel guilty for not being upset about the anniversary of her death. Why do I feel guilty? What's gonna happen if I'm not sad? I feel guilty, because I think I'm supposed to be sad. That's what people do. On a death anniversary, people seem to re-experience that loss...Am I a bad person? Living my life, not even thinking about those who died? No. I'm not a bad person. I miss Lina...But I'm not losing them right now. Right now, I'm in my apartment with Tiny. I'm doing mostly well. I accept that I lost Lina. I accept that I've gone through tragedy. But I also accept I only have control over what's right here in my living room. I am able to love and miss someone while doing well and achieving my goals. I am doing well.
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