Drowning in Darkness

The darkness seems to just be flood my mind and my spirit. All the whispers of the past and the present, telling me how wrong I am, how I don't deserve to get better. I'm pushed and overpowered by the by angered current. I can't surface to catch my breath. So I dive in with all the force I have left. And I'm drowning, but it's okay. Or at least, that's what I tell myself. I have convinced myself that nobody cares; I don't have to fight anymore. It's okay if I drown; I deserve it, don't I? Nobody needs me; I'm so filthy and gross. Maybe there'll be peace once I'm gone. I hope so; for the sake of my family.

I got hit pretty hard, yesterday. I was already depressed and down. Then I got the phone call from the clinic; my worries were right. I am not going to the clinic; insurance didn't actually authorize treatment. So now, I'm on my own. I dunno what that means. I can't fight this illness on my own, but maybe I don't want to. Maybe I just don't wanna fight anymore. As of right now, I'm not fighting; I'm giving in- full force. Letting the evil bitch consume me. To be honest, I hope I die from this. I tried putting my faith and God and followed his guidance as much as possible, but it ended me nowhere. He left me out to drown, again. Thanks, God.