I can't believe I already have a 100 posts. I never really thought about anything exciting to write about at the 100th post. So I'm just gonna write about my usual anxieties and fears. Today, I find out when to go to the ED clinic- tomorrow or Wednesday. I've been struggling with a lot of thoughts and not wanting to go. I'm starting to slip back into a place of denial. I don't need help; I need to lose more weight. I've gained so much weight these past couple of weeks and who knows how much I'm gonna gain in treatment. I'm gonna get so fat and I'm not gonna be able to lose the weight. And it'll make me so depressed and suicidal. Isn't it better to just stay here and continue to try to get to my GW of 65 lbs? I just can't bare the thought of gaining weight and getting over 100 lbs again. Then coming back and everyone looking at me and touching my disgusting fat body. It just makes me cringe.I dunno how anyone with an ED ever gets married or has kids. Like I don't even like my boyfriend touching me or feeling my fat. I hate it when my friends hug me and feel all the fat on me. I hate being able to feel all the fat on myself. It just grosses me out, so much. And if I go to treatment, there'll be more fat for everyone to feel. Is it too late to back out??
I know I can't and shouldn't back out. I know I need the help to be healthy and strong again. I need to get back on track. I'm just afraid. But God says to not be afraid; to trust him. So I will trust God to take care of me and guide me through this process. You hear that God? I'm trusting you. Putting all my faith in you.
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