How am I supposed to feel?

Last night, I sat alone in my dark, empty apartment. Completely alone. And I continue to sit alone. In the past couple of weeks, so much has happened, and so many things from my past have surfaced in my mind. A little over two weeks ago, I was told that insurance approved treatment for my ED and I could go to the clinic as soon as a bed was open, the following week. A week later, I was told insurance never authorized treatment and to continue doing what I've been doing. So, I am. I'm giving into all my ED urges and thoughts. I can't fight this illness, and I dunno if I want to. Then last week, I had an MRI to look for any abnormalities or growths on my pituitary gland. I haven't gotten the results. I went to get them, but my doc was out sick. I need to reschedule the appointment, but what's the point? If I'm gonna die from cancer, I'm gonna die. If I don't die from cancer, I'm gonna die from my ED. So, none of it really matters. On top of everything else, my brother was staying with me, which had kept me in check and away from self-harm. He's not staying with me anymore, because of the rules at the apartment I live in. I don't think I can keep myself "safe". I don't know what to, especially with all the emotions being stirred up and all these things from my past interrupting all my thoughts. I'm not suicidal; I just have these urges and ideas to hurt myself. And sometimes, I know I can't control the impulse. I dunno how I'm supposed to feel right now. But I'm feeling a lot of things.