Feeling so confused and conflicted

I talked to my primary care doctor today. She prescribes my migraine meds and wants me to take it once every other day this week, instead of twice a day like I have been. I have to come off of it for ED treatment. Until I'm done with the ED program, she says I can take ibuprofen- great. Let's pop 50 to see if it'll do anything. Like seriously? I've tried ibuprofen, asprin, Tylenol, excedrine doesn't even do much anymore! Whatever. If I get worse, oh well. At least, I gave the stupid clinic a chance. My doc also wants me to get a MRI to check on my pituitary gland, because my labs aren't coming back normal. They did some other labs last week that checked the hormone levels that are released by the pituitary gland. Anyways, I dunno when that's gonna happen. I may be going to the ED clinic on Sarurday, and I dunno how long I'll be there. Probably not long, I'm fat and don't need to gain much weight.

I also talked to a lady in admission at the ED clinic, today. Apparently, they haven't even gotten approval from my insurance company. So, I dunno if I'm going Saturday or ever. Which kinda makes me anxious. If I don't go, why am I going off my migraine meds? Why am I taking time off school and work?? I just there's stuff I need to do and get done. I don't need to be sitting on my ass, waiting for something that may or may not happen. It just makes me wonder- maybe this is God saying that treatment's not right for me. Maybe God has another plan. But I dunno what I'm supposed to do; I can't kick this ED on my own. I can't get through a meal without taking a handful of laxatives. I constantly wanna purge. Eventually, I'll cycle back into restricting. I may not be losing weight, right now. But I'm not gaining either. I feel conflicted. I wanna lose more weight, but I don't wanna live like this anymore. I wanna restrict my intake and eat nothing, but I don't wanna be depressed and anxious and suicidal. I wanna get down to my UGW of 65 lbs, but I also wanna be able to finish my Vet Tech degree. I just feel like I'm going back and forth and there's a constant battle in my head. I don't like things being up in the air; I like plans to be arranged and settled. Apparently, its too much to ask for.