Struggles

I don't wanna fight Ana. She's stronger and louder than me. She wants to destroy me; I pray for Godly strength to fight this. I try to have faith. But Ana drags me back down to this hell. I know she's bad for me. I know she'll strip me of all hope and value, leaving me empty and alone. She'll leave me heart-broken and cold. How am I supposed to ignore her? She's more persistent than anyone else I know. She pushes until I break. She never leaves me. She won't kick me out on to the street. She's gotten me kicked out, but she stayed with me, even when I didn't have a home. I was isolated, but I had her. She's everywhere I go. Judging me. Questioning me. Slowly ripping out my insides. I hate her, but I can't feel comfort without her. I wish she would just stick daggers in me. She's gonna kill me slowly and painfully. Why does she do this? Maybe I wanna die. Maybe I'd be better off dead. Maybe everyone would be better off if I were dead.

My therapist and mom think I'm getting better, but I feel like I'm getting worse. I dunno what to do. I'm secretly throwing out food and drinks that my mom thinks I'm consuming. I'm trying to find new ways to self-harm. I OD-ed last week. I don't see progress- I see failures. Lots of failures.