It’s half-way through the year already! Unbelievable! At the beginning of the year, I came up with 6 goals or resolutions for the year. I think it’s a good time to review them. My first goal was to reach my UGW by March. I failed to do that. I am nowhere near my UGW and probably will never get there, because I suck at life. My second goal was to isolate more, because my friends suck. I might be doing ok with this one. I moved halfway across the country and never see my friends. Yay me for ruining my life and creating more problems than I can handle.
The third goal was to stick to diet plans better, and the fourth was to binge less. Well, I’m fat so those goals were obviously not accomplished. The other week, my doctor didn’t believe me when I told him I wasn’t pregnant. He ordered a pregnancy test and then ordered another one the next week. Like, wtf?!? Am I really getting that fat in the belly and hips. I’m not even sexually active; I’m just fat. I hate that everytime I go to the bathroom, I have to stop and look at my disgusting stomach. It’s so gross. It makes me wonder how gross and awful I look to other people. I just wanna curl up in a ball under my blankets and starve to death.
The last two goals, I also completely failed at. Number 5 was to not drop out of college. Everyone says I’m just taking a break, but the reality is I’ll never be able to go back. I’m not gonna be able to be a vet tech. I have tremors because of the meds I’m on. I can’t give injections with shakey hands. I had a hard enough time giving them without shaky hands. Number 6 was keep my job. Goodbye job; hello being a lazy worthless bum. At least, I didn’t get fired; I just moved away. I still feel like I failed.
Anyways, seeing I’ve already failed to accomplish any of my goals, I’m gonna come up with some new ones that might be attainable in the next 6 months.
1)Have at least 1 month Self-harm free. For me that means no cutting, purging, nor OD-ing. With the help of my therapist I think I can do it. As long as she doesn’t give up on me.
2)Stay on my meds for the next 6 months. This one sounds so simple, but it is so hard for me to do. I get so depressed and lose touch with reality and stop taking my meds and go on the Borderline spiral to failure.
3)Stay out of the hospital. Again something that has been very hard for me. With the OD-ing and ED, I spend a lot of time in hospitals. And normally that time is more harm than help. Luckily, my mom and therapist agree that keeping me out of the hospital is a priority.
I think 3 goals is good for now. Maybe I’ll try to review them more often too.
I know! I start new intake and smoking notebooks (I have COPD so try to keep track of everything I smoke) every 6 months. I can't believe we're halfway through the year.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you didn't make as much progress on your goals as you hoped. That's really weird that your doctor keeps ordering pregnancy tests. I've just finished paying my pathology bills from my last admission, and I'm pissed because my doctor ordered a pregnancy test (which was $80 out of pocket) when I'd just had one the week before, even though I told them I'd had one and not been sexually active since, and in fact had a new contraceptive implant put in (hence the first test). Have you had any tests/procedures that would require them to check, just to be safe? I'm pretty sure mine were because I was getting so many x-rays and scans done (even though I literally laughed when they asked me if there was any chance I could be pregnant).
Good luck with your new goals. Staying on meds/taking them properly is one of my goals at the moment too. Would getting those weekly Webster packs help to keep you on track?
xx