I meant to blog last night, but I had a migraine. I have so much to say, so this might get long. First let's talk about my diet. I am doing 2468 diet. I started yesterday, but I ate a little over 200 calories. I had cajun chicken and rice. I need to work on excuses to not eat dinner with my family. I tried to purge afterwards, but barely anything came up. I'm doing better today. All I've eaten is celery with peanut butter. I decided I'm not gonna count the calories of raw fruit and vegetables. So today I've had 210 calories in peanut butter. I'm gonna have to eat dinner, so I'll need to figure out the calories in whatever I decide to eat. It's leftovers night.
Now, to talking about my day, yesterday. It sucked! I had 4 appointments back to back. On top of the migraine. My first appointment was with my DBT therapist. I'm struggling to trust her with my insecurities and fears. I know I need to, if I ever wanna get past this shit. But it's hard. I wanna talk to her and be honest. But I feel so stuck and I dunno. Anyways, after that I went to the mental health clinic to get an EKG. They said something about it was abnormal and seemed concerned, but nothing looks abnormal. Maybe I don't now how to read it, but i get the basics and I don't think anythings wrong. It was probably reading my tremors.
After the EKG, I had to meet with my psychiatrist. The guy's an idiot. But maybe he's right. He told me to watch my weight- that I didn't wanna gain too much. Challenge accepted, doc! I will not gain too much weight. In fact, I'll see how much I can lose! Will that satisfy you?? It just really upset me. Because I know I think I'm fat, but I've never had a doctor or someone who's supposed to know what they're talking about tell I'm getting fat. I wish I could cut all the fat off and leave it on his doorstep. I know; I'm such a borderline.
After I met with the doc, I had to meet with my caseworker. I don't get it. I was switched to her so I wouldn't have to go as often and she's like lets meet every 2 weeks. I'm like I have a f***ing therapist already and she actually knows how to treat my illness, unlike you idiots!! I'm so pissed; I don't even wanna go back. I know I'm gonna have to, in order to stay on my meds. Maybe I'll stop taking them. I haven't even taken them today, now that I'm thinking about it. Oh well.
Right when I thought I was getting out of my funk from last week's therapy session, I get jerked back down. I feel like its never gonna end and I'm trying so hard to hold it together. But I feel like I'm starting to spiral and I can't catch a breather. And the people who are supposed to be helping me are only making it worse.
On the bright side, I'm getting some sweet piercing this weekend. I'm getting my daith piercings in both ears. It's supposed to be a trigger point and will help alleviate migraines! I'm excited; I've been wanting to get this piercing for awhile and my mom met some guys in the waiting room yesterday that had it done and they said it really worked. So at least, I have something to look forward to.
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