I'm really struggling to manage my emotions. I'm on a roller coaster of anger, fear, betrayal and hurt. I can't figure out how to stabilize myself. On the outside I seem perfectly fine. I'm engaged in family activities and helping out around the house and taking care of my kitty. But on the inside, I have so much going on. I'm afraid if I let any of it out, I'll lose my family again. I don't wanna lose them, but if I don't get a grip on this soon, I will. I can't deal with that again. I will fall apart and have nowhere to go. No one to turn to. That scares the shit out of me.
I'm trying to be open and honest with my therapist. I want to trust her, but I'm afraid to. I wanna put up on my walls and defenses to protect myself from getting hurt again. I told her I wouldn't kill myself as long as I'm in treatment with her and that I would talk to her if I was thinking about quitting treatment. I'm not suicidal and I don't wanna give up on treatment. But I wanna know I can trust everyone involved in my treatment.
As far as Ana goes, lately she's been whispering in my ear nonstop. I'm slipping back and may start counting calories again. I know I shouldn't, but I'm struggling to not think about my weight. I currently weigh 99 lbs; that's 18.7 BMI. Its not too terrible. It could be on the higher end of "healthy". I'm glad its not, but I wanna get down to my UGW of 65 lbs. Its hard, because I live with my parents now and my mom notices every little change in my diet. So how do I make it seem like I'm eating more than I really am? I dunno. I've been throwing food out when my mom's not paying attention. She has me drink 1 nutrition shake a day. Its so hard to drink it; I feel like its loaded with calories. Sometimes, I wish Ana would shut up, but right now, she seems to be the part of me holding it all together. If I do decide to start counting calories, I'll post and update on here about my diet.
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