I quit

I feel like shit. I look like shit. Maybe I am shit. I don't feel like fighting my depression or Ana today. She's too strong. And what's the point? Everyone I trust is turning against me. I feel completely alone. And if weren't for the one cell in my brain that still cares, I'd be dead right now. I'm tired of fighting.

I haven't felt this much anger in awhile and I just wanna vent and I've got no one to vent to. I'm tired of everyone telling me how to fix my life. Do you think I haven't tried to fix my life? I'm 24 years old; I've been dealing with this for over ten years. I do what works. I get by. No, my methods are not ideal or perfect. If they were, Ana wouldn't be such a pain in my ass.

I know everybody thinks getting a job is gonna magically make my life better. But I had a job. It didn't do shit to make me feel better. I was continually put down by customers and reminded how worthless I was. I don't see how that's helpful. I tried to be positive on the job and tried to ignore the comments and the rude customers. I tried to work and go to school and pull myself together everyday. I still ended up depressed. I still ended up in this black hole of anger and hurt and fear and loneliness.

Going back to school didn't help. Even when I finally knew what I wanted to major in. The stress was too much. The hours were too many and I couldn't handle it. I tried to fight and pull myself together. Even on the days, I was curled up on the living room floor, panicking, I tried to talk myself into getting up and going to school. I wasn't good enough. So don't tell me a job or school is gonna fix me. Because its not.

And don't tell me to turn to God, either. He abandoned me. I needed him and where was he. I called out. I cried and he wasn't here. He was busy taking care of all the other people who needed him more. I'm alone in this. No one's here. Nothing can fix this. So just stop with the advice and suggestions. Because I'm done fighting. I don't care if I get better or not.