A Very Exhausting Fourth

I'm having a rough day. I woke up this morning with a thousand insecurities going through my mind and then went to a Fourth of July celebration where I almost passed out. Now, I'm at home sipping on some water with "Mio Fit" added to it. So where do I began?

Let's start with yesterday afternoon. My dad took my brothers and I to the pool. That suprising wasn't the problem. I didn't swim; I just sat completely covered up and watched my brothers swim. They were disappointed I wasn't in the pool with them, but they got over it pretty quickly. When we got home, my mom was sitting at the dining room table. She had mascara running down her face like she'd been crying and I could tell she was upset. I had this feeling it was something I did. I tried to tell myself that it isn't always about me and she could be upset for a million different reasons. But I was right; it was about me. She was upset and hurt that I don't trust her enough to talk to her about my urges to self-harm before acting on them. I didn't know how to respond so I didn't. I just let her vent. But how am I supposed to talk about it; I can't even put it into words most of the time. I just know I'm hurting and cutting will stop the pain for a few minutes. Anyways, that's a situation to deal with some other day.

Last night, we went to set off firework with my parents' friends. It was an okay evening. The fireworks freaked me out a little bit, but I survived. And I almost made it through the night without any awkward questions about why I exist. Right before we left, I got asked what grade I'm in. I said I was in college and of course they what I was studying and where. It was so awkward. I hate answering questions about what I'm doing with life right now. I feel like such a useless piece of shit.

So, that brings us to this morning. I just woke up feeling so insecure. How am I gonna be able to manage school and work? And am I ever gonna be able to successfully work a full time job? I'm so scared that I'm gonna return to school in a couple of years and have another breakdown, even with all the DBT. And am I gonna be able to stay on my meds without my parents help? And where am I gonna live? I have so many questions about my future and there's so much unknowns; it scares me.

Anyways, we went to a Fourth Celebration, which would have been fun, but I over-heated very quickly and almost passed out. I felt so light-headed and my vision was like looking into some sort of funhouse mirror. It was weird. We were walking and I just sat down. My parents turned around and I was just sitting on the ground. My mom walked back home to get the car, so I wouldn't have to walk home. Between my ED, meds on an empty stomach, dehydration, being on my period, there was no way I was winning today. I came home and my mom gave me a water with some "Mio Fit" and tried to take my temperature. It was too high for the thermometer to read. I'm finally cooled off now and feel a lot better. My mom said I had Heat Exhaustion. Its not the first time, I've had this happen and probably won't be the last.